Yeah, Shit just got Heavy...
Pro-Choice, Never A Question
I was never one of those girls that enjoyed playing with Barbies or Playing House, in fact I was more invested in tea parties with spirits only I could see as a young child, or relishing in my early years of nudism and ruining ever girly, stereotypical female ensemble that my mother just had to put me in for one societal based reason or another. I had aspirations for building a New World with my Lego's, putting my naturally skilled engineer brain to work with Tinker Toys & Lincoln Logs all the while finding adults and my male cousins aspirations for preexisting Jackass antics, this whole having kids, getting married, having matching cars, matching dogs and a white picket fence with a husband...
No, Sorry you've got the wrong girl,
I'm going to be a Pirate, and sail the seven seas like Blackbeard and Captain Morgan...
Or join a Traveling Circus as a Lion Tamer and Snake Charmer....
Oh wait! I can't forget about living forever and dancing the night away as a Vampire Ballerina...
Traveling the World, The Old World, The World of Art & Literature....
I wonder what it would be like to be an Exotic Dancer or Vegas Showgirl....
Scratch That, I'll be Catwoman and Save Gotham from Crime with my Feline Prowess!
These were just a few of the many dreams I had as a child, and some I still do hope to enjoy as life continues, As the years went by and more and more female friends were consumed with the thought of The Disney Princess life, my cousin already owning a child size BMW and having everybody in my family find it down right adorable that she already sold out to societies expectations for females at the tender age of 3 was quite revolting to me even in those early years, who the hell came up with this One Mold Fits Every Woman standard or scenario for life, it truly never made sense to me and even now as a liberated, progressive and at times highly controversial and radical woman of the post millennium age, for some reason I still can't relate to even 2% of the modern female agenda.
The School Years: Childhood
As I started school and was surrounded by boys and girls that found me to be quite fascinating from either being more than interested in learning how to kiss at such an early age, to the very individually carved path I required for my sanity during these awkward years of social interaction was overwhelming. I wasn't interested in boyfriends, why bother when I just wanted to learn what kissing was all about. Obviously this attracted the wrong type of attention more so from the girls than the boys, it never made sense to them to just kiss somebody, there had to be rules, ownership and all this responsibility of being some boy's girlfriend if kissing was on the menu.
Needless to say I didn't have very many female friends from the start, my entire life has been salt and peppered with those that enjoyed my radical views of the world, relationship and lifestyle dynamics but in these tender years it just made me an outsider, quite cast aside by the girls in class that were envious of my boldness, my lack of boundaries that later are explained through Female Asperger's , and other unique and radically life changing experiences that predestined my course along with the added twist of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, having the idealized westernized, picture perfect gift-wrapped life, never quite made sense to a girl and woman that was always just trying to survive.
As the years went by and boys found me strange for wanting to travel the world and cosplay as my favorite superhero's instead of wanting to settle down with a family and kids in our hopefully distant future, I started to isolate and turn inwards and found myself spending much more time alone, happily in introvert paradise, and absorbing as many books of the old world and the new on the subjects of love, adventure, and the true meaning of life. When other boys and girls were playing games of boyfriends, girlfriends and eventual marriage, I was quite enthralled with Byron, Shakespeare, Poe and endlessly other brilliant minds that my wonderful elementary school librarian would give me access too, you see being an avid reader from an incredibly early age was always my passion, and that passion for reading opened doors, worlds and gave me comfort with concepts that most people my age could care less about, while playing dodge ball and seeing who's dating who was the purpose of those lives, it just never was my focus, I wanted more. These precious moments that were my salvation during the Breaking Bad & Sons of Anarchy Years of most of my childhood, and in those books, those words by so many brilliant writers I found who I was, who I am to this very day and for those blasphemous libertines who were also Black Sheep's in their time periods and epochs of society I found myself and fell head over heels in love with the woman I am and the strong progressive soul that I was in those early years of life.
The Pre-Teen & Teenage Years
The turning point was when I changed schools, no longer surrounded by the diverse cultures of Fresno, forced to dive deep into the homogenized predominantly Caucasian, Yuppie side of Wealthy Clovis California I was even more prone to being introverted about my true views and feelings towards life's expansive experiences. Being one of the first girls at age eleven in my entire school to hit puberty and start my menstrual cycle before everybody else, this Huge Impending Sense of Doom, permeated through my entire being as I was starting to be categorized like cattle just because I had the ability to bleed once a month.
The boys are going to really like you now, you're a woman!
Aren't you scared about getting pregnant, now that you can get pregnant?
From the endlessly moronic and non-educated questions that arose in sexual education class, that sadly even I had more insight about thanks to a mother who was very straight forward and supportive of early age sexual awareness, it was beyond shocking that most of my female friends thought that using tampons increased odds of pregnancy, and other nonsensical blatantly shocking concepts that never even crossed my mind, because I was given the freedom and liberty to learn what being a woman was all about on my own accord. Sex was the farthest thing from my mind then, as boys started asking me out, dates was a concept I wasn't ready for nor were my parents, it was an assault to the senses that I somehow became more important as a human being, just because I was now biologically and in the eyes of society, officially a woman.
As the weeks and months went by and more girls turned to women in front of our very eyes, with the topics of breast size and sex lives being the forefront of every conversation I started to see just how different I was from the rest of the indoctrinated youth. As boys that age couldn't understand nor appreciate a woman who never wanted to be exclusive, tied down, utterly and completely theirs, they never truly quite understood me, except for those that saw me as some sort of physical commodity with no repercussions or responsibilities, of course I wasn't interested in any of what any of them had to offer. I wanted to travel the world, as a bisexual teenager and blossoming woman, being entirely devoted to one gender or the other seemed preposterous to me at the time, and of course boys didn't seem to mind that side of me but always tried to use it to their own advantage. To spite them I found it incredibly amusing to brilliantly mind-fuck them out of my life, as my grandfather said She's too smart for her own good, she'll be the first female President. This mentality was always conducive to my true soul, I want to travel the world and see the stars I haven't the time for this reinvented 1950's lifestyle. Too much gypsy in this heart and far too many past lives of independence that eventually lead to my own demise, but fortunately in this life I've managed to find a better balance.
So as the girls were still more concerned about fitting into this preconceived mold, I was forced to explode out of it, as they continued their amorous games of tease and denial, hoping their new breasts and french kissing would keep him interested enough not to hit on me or other girls who weren't interested in settling down at the tender age of twelve. I started inquiring into my own ancestry, beyond social standards and expectations to find that being a mother to animals and adopting in the future would probably be the only way that children would ever be a part of my life, if I even decided that that was the life I chose to lead in the first place.
When your entire childhood consisted of late night feedings to runt and orphaned animals you seem to have a better perspective of what motherhood has in store for you and how it's truly not all what it's cracked up to be. From taking AP classes and advanced music programs combined with no-sleep and feeding, watering and cleaning up endless blankets covered in shit to ensure that they didn't die, just added that extra charm at the tender age of thirteen and helped guide me down the path to true self-liberation, not being a part of the herd, but a leader in a nonexistent pack.
How could this have happened in the first place?
So there I was minding my own business enjoying my life as I knew it when BAM I get my very first menstrual cycle. Most girls my age were counting the days, just waiting to be a bona-fide, legitimate woman, Well at least where I was located on this crazy planet. As for me even after years of knowledge of how it would eventually happen, was truly mortified, as Spring Break just started my twelfth birthday was fast approaching the last thing I wanted was to learn how to use Kotex Sanitary Pads. Even writing those awful words makes my skin crawl and body shudder, for me it was just one more thing to fixate on and worry about, I was in tears all day quite furious that I wasn't born a boy. As my endless emotions turned to insane rage induced chocolate obsessed feasts that would make even a Cannibal lose his lunch I was shocked, mortified and just pissed the fuck off that now it was official I was a part of this movement that was created long before I was ever born and just because of this I was lumped into a group that I never truly ever felt a part of in the first place.
Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome: PCOS
The first few years seemed to go off without a hitch besides the usual awkward and uncomfortable social interactions, but by the tender age of fourteen every cycle was a living, breathing, excruciating hell. It was exactly what every woman with a hysterectomy in my family was worried about, that I too carried on the legacy, bestowed upon me by not one but both sides of my family tree, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.
From the first to over fifty emergency related hospital visits that I've had over the last decade since I was first diagnosed, it never got better. Each year the pain got worse, with each cycle being more grueling than the previous, most of which requiring an emergency hospital visit due to the immense amount of ovarian cyst explosions that erupted at once and leaving me a crying, sobbing and swollen ball of agony, to missing school so often because of the effects of the disorder that I became truant, and most of whom I thought were my friends started spreading rumors about Hypochondria and a true and serious need for Attention. It was the farthest thing from the truth! While I had to have notes to miss swimming in during gym class from doctors because my ovaries were showing too many signs for cyst burst risks on the countless ultrasounds I was left out, left behind and even made fun of just because my body wanted to ovulate just like every other females body does, naturally and without complication.
Never having the idea of Having Children or a 1950's Style Family, It was exciting to me to find out that with this disorder that I had a 2% chance of EVER having children. My mother was in tears, she sobbed and wept realizing that being a grandmother wouldn't be in her future, but still even today that was the happiest day of my life. So as I excitedly consented to birth control and minimal hormone therapy to reduce the complications of cyst bursts during every cycle, That's 12 sometimes 13 cycles a year, I finally at long last felt a sense of peace return as I could start enjoying my life again without the complications of PCOS.
You have an 18% chance of getting Pregnant while using Condoms
For a woman who never wanted children that now has a 2% chance
of getting pregnant this was the ultimate in good news.
Endometriosis: Time To Explore Tubal Ligation Surgery
After years of conversations and loving support from my family about choosing the unorthodox life and not having children, not getting married, and never settling down as that to me signified death of free spirit, we started to discuss the other peril that permeated both sides of my family tree. Endometriosis, was much more rare in my family but somehow managed to either hit women in my family before they were thirty years of age, or they were in the clear and just manged their PCOS with whatever therapy was offered for them from birth control, to hormone therapy to eventual and early hysterectomy.
Being that I never had any signs or symptoms I was quite shocked at the age of 25 after months of having bladder sensitivity issues, which I initially thought were contributed by my PGADS Disorder, a common sexual disorder that comes along with an extremely early age (Age 3) diagnosis for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. That no in fact those urges to urinate weren't stemming from hyper-arousal a common side effect of Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder/Syndrome, but instead it was due to spider web like scar tissue caused from Endometriosis. To also add to my statistics of already being as close to naturally sterile as possible, I started asking doctors what my ultimate solution was to this long list of women's health issues as being on regimented hormone therapy just wasn't my desire for my lifestyle. Every doctor response to my question was the same, Tubal Ligation.
With grueling monthly cycles of cyst explosions combined now with the intense fatigue and incredibly painful nerve knots that are associated in the lymphatic system with Endometriosis, my quality of life had sorely declined, up to two solid weeks a month were riddled with mind, body and physiological health concerns, as many of you know at twenty one I was diagnosed with Cushing's Syndrome, and between the life saving medication they had me on to regulate my endocrine system to the endless psychiatric medications given with them as I ballooned and constantly gained weight no matter how healthy my lifestyle was to a planning my own funeral at 23 weight of 415lbs, I wasn't focused on children, fertility and even the future, I just wanted to live another day. I just wanted to survive and find the same quality of living that every other friend, family member and stranger seemed to fortunately have without a hitch, hang-up or even a hiccup of a problem. For more information about my life saving lifestyle change Click Here.
What I never expected nor did any of my team of women's health doctors over the years would've ever expected was that changing my lifestyle, getting healthy and correcting all my disorders with good food, natural medicine and holistic living, would've ever caused a naturally sterile woman to, get pregnant.
Healthcare? What Healthcare?!
During these years from Planned Parenthood Clinics to Women's Health Specialists and a team of ER Specialists that were used to seeing me quarterly when PCOS was trying to kill me from the inside with multiple firework shows, I was always told that pregnancy was never a future for me, not even a possibility especially with my PCOS showing more aggressive progress in my body along with psychiatric medication and Cushings Disorder, it was safe to say until I was able to get my Tubal Ligation Surgery, that I was sterile for all purposes intended. So birth control, low-hormone therapy pills were the key, the cyst bursts began to subside and those emergency room visits were less and less as I got older and headed towards young adult hood and being liberated as an Adult in our society, and still my ideals for travel, absorption for travel and passion with both beautiful genders on this planet in the spirit of a true Bohemian were on the horizon as I graduated early with high marks, sadly didn't have the money for tuition to any of the places I could've gone too, Juilliard for Violin and Painting, This incredible college for set-designers in Hollywood that would've warranted many endless career opputunities and life changing travel opportunities to design sets for the film industry.
Instead I was stuck at home with a mother that refused to keep a job, that decided stealing my identity and disability funds was better than helping me see the world and have a true chance at life, it was in that moment that I met my former fiance and the only man at that time that I have ever had a romantic relationship with, before that I was quite high in expectations and preferred the company of women, at 20 years my senior and having been told numerous times by multiple doctors even when I asked obsessively as if it was some incorrect information that only I could be so lucky to receive. I stopped worrying about condoms and birth control temporarily as the hormones weren't helping me anymore. For months sex wasn't fun it was frightening, even losing my virginity to this man that I 'd eventually be engaged too and live with for over seven years who was nineteen years my senior, it still scared me to death to have unprotected sex, even with my doctor's permission. As the years went by and not once did I experience a pregnancy scare it was obvious to me that I truly was sterile, and my doctor's agreed.
Tubal Ligation at 27? Why Wait?
As soon as I turned 18 I was elated to finally pursue the ultimate solution to my women's health problems, I made an appointment with my OBGYN and was shocked to receive his response. Tying your tubes is female castration. As a man from Africa whose personal religious beliefs were to birth and help women procreate as much as possible, it was obvious why this was his mentality, in Madera California where I was located at the time, Teen Pregnancy was and still is the highest, IN THE NATION. Surrounded by pregnant women with multiple children at 16 was dumbfounding, and to hear this man tell a woman that not only wanted and consented but needed this life saving surgery, I was beyond infuriated and changed my doctor that very day.
Sadly the next few years continued in this fashion of people denying my request for one bullshit medical reason or another, Your not old enough, you need to wait and see if you want children, I refuse to perform that on any woman under the age of 35. Endless excuses, endless bullshit and changing doctors regularly and still absolutely no help, no compassion or care as to what hell my body endured each and every month like clockwork, no care about my endless ER visits that were not only embarrassing but difficult to do after the first few dozen times just to get more pain medicine, anti-inflammation and more temporary sympathy, the endless check-ups via ultrasound to ensure my body wasn't trying to kill me each month, it was all just too much.
At 25 I finally got a real, no bullshit answer from a nurse practitioner at Planned Parenthood: "No Doctor will tie your tubes under the age of 30, without serious repercussion from the medical community" Just like with Natural Medicine Cancer Doctors or Dentists that want to remove mercury fillings, once again I had to learn the hard way that corporations and the medical industry didn't give two fucks about my health, they just wanted to get paid. The doctors wanted to get paid hundreds of thousands of dollars for each baby born, they could care less to tie my tubes for a measly $6,000, that's chump change when you just delivered twins this morning. So for the next decade of my life while struggling to stay alive during my terminal diagnosis of Cushings Syndrome, and overcoming that disorder to finally finding time, health and space to search more about this life changing and life saving surgery, with the help of a beautiful pregnant gynecologist who was also vegan when she's not pregnant, I was given a list at the tender age of 25 of all the doctors that were covered under my insurance that would tie my tubes for medical health reasons regardless of having kids now, as most required that before tying my tubes.
Sorry I don't tie tubes until you've already had children.
Who the fuck gave you the power, authority and right to choose what's good for me, my body and my life?! The separation of church and state still doesn't exist in the medical industry and if it wasn't for that doctor who also ensured me I was safe to have unprotected sex, without birth control or condoms, for up to 4 months before my surgery as it was required for me to be completely taken off of them for the procedure, I continued my life as I normally did even with my new health and new lifestyle, I thought and was reassured for the past decade that I was naturally sterile. So as I enjoyed my passionate life with my new love and Twin Flame, I never gave it a second thought, in fact I just rejoiced that finally at long last after so many years of searching and being shown the door like I was some preposterous creature tricking them into losing their licenses, finally it was going to happen! I was on my way to Tubal Ligation Surgery.
The Worldwide Search for a Doctor Continues...
During those two months, not four, for those of you freaking the fuck out as much as I did when I heard the news about safe-unprotected sex, I proceeded to call each and every doctor on that list, I wanted this solution pronto, unprotected sex even with doctor's approval has a way of really killing the bedroom mood for two people who definitely don't want children. Most doctor's couldn't see new patients, some required a special type of insurance in combined with what I already have on disability, which wasn't available in my area or worse, was out of pocket, something that just wasn't an option for somebody on disability, who makes less than $1,000 a month.
I hit my first brick wall, I was in tears, I finally had a list to actual doctors in my city who were even more than willing to ensure I received tubal ligation with or without religious complications, with or without their lifestyle's and life choices being respected and none of them could see me. After asking dear friends and finally posting about my ordeal on facebook I was relieved to finally get a solid lead, my dear friend who had her tubes tied after having her son as she too has way too many health problems to have children referred me to my doctor, after being warned that The Doctor is a Goddess but her Staff.....Fucking Animals. It wasn't the best offer but at this point I was ready to tie my own tubes in a at-home medical clinic, of course this wasn't an option in theory or practice, but it was truly a fantasy each month as my next brutal and life draining, gotta pee every 10 minutes, cycle visited.
I called her office, hounded them in fact, every morning abruptly at 9am I called to receive either a voice mail with no answering machine or worse, their after hours hotline even if it was during work hours. I was mortified at the lack of care at this office and after weeks, yes weeks, or harassment I finally received my first appointment date, January of 2014, exactly two and a half months after I started calling, and this was considered priority service, in this city for women's healthcare.
PCOS Took a Turn for The Worst
It was December 21st, a week after I shot the infamous Madame De Pompadour Series, I was already one week late and even worse I knew it was entirely PCOS related, there's only been two recollections of nearly fifty emergency room visits over the years that I clearly recall, they were visits that nearly cost me, my life. You see when cysts burst and rupture they can even tear open the actual ovary, this induces fever induced pain, that then leads to extreme swelling and intense vomiting because your body goes into shock, I've only ever been that close to death a few times in life in regards to pain but this was a night that was much to reminiscent of those awful early diagnosis first ER visits and left myself, my love and my family awake for the entire week as we all braced ourselves to see what would happen next. Would I need life saving surgery a very possibility for people with PCOS that is in the most severe section of the disorder. Or would I be able to bounce back and endure once more until my first appointment with my new Doctor and Tubal Ligation Surgery that was originally scheduled for February, the perfect Valentine's Day present for myself, a true gift of self-love, a fully functioning, working, healthy body.
After an entire week in the ER, endless pain pills, which weren't needed due to the power of good natural medicine, Cannabis, and antibiotics to ward off the infections my body. The amount of cyst bursts were at an all time high with an estimated 7-9 cysts not only bursting but rupturing so hard that even my doctor's realized that the disease was in it's latest stage, where it caused my ovaries to mutate and shrink in abnormal proportions due to the chaos and scar tissue that these disorders provided over the years, it was more than time to pursue this surgery, in fact it was imperative, for my health, safety and quality of life to never experience this again. This was the hardest one yet, it took me an entire week to recover, recuperate and feel my energy return to normal, even with a Vegan diet, with the help of my ER doctors they further facilitated my priority registration with my new doctor and shortly after I had my period, two weeks late but normal none-the-less.
I saw my new doctor right before New Years and we both agreed that it imperative for my health to get this surgery going, that somebody with my conditions would only endure more pain, less quality of living in life and even worse the possibilities for early in life hysterectomy, and having to worry about hormone therapy, early menopause and organ prolapsing.... Sorry I was going to finish this sentence but.....Seriously! Damn Nature YOU SCARY! This bit of knowledge along with perineal tears was one of many reasons why I never wanted to have a child in the first place, or deal with the physical consequences that were left afterwards in the first place.
Now then where were we? Ah Yes, Planning for Surgery, After we both agreed with no complications of religion or views of lifestyle or life choices were even an issue, we scheduled my surgery for February 25th or 2014, and I left most excited as all signs were a Go! from health, physical check-up, pregnancy test, which of course came back negative, we were cleared, the forms were signed and now all I had to to was call back in three weeks to see if my insurance approval was validated, of course it was and I was elated and had the most freeing, calming, zen few weeks of my life knowing that the next chapter, make that the first real chapter of my life was about to begin. Cheers to good health and the doctors that provide true health care in these hard times in the evolution of humanity.
Surgery Rescheduled, I'm...... Pregnant?!
"No, it's impossible, this isn't happening, this has to be the dreamworld, or even worse that bizarre planet of nightmares, I got pulled onto in my early years of psychic exploration, this just can't be real."
The moment I heard my doctor tell me that as I was half way through signing my approved surgery forms five days before my scheduled surgery I dissociated hard, harder than I ever had previously before with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and the next few weeks felt like a dream, a terrible, awful, horrifying, impossible dream.
In my darkest hours that impossible moment, that proclaimed by my Catholic Doctor as a miracle, it still finds time to haunt me and remind me of the entire experience that should never have happened in the first place.
I followed every doctor's order, I did everything I was supposed too have done, after the most intense cyst burst experience of my life just two months ago, how is it possible I just had my period last month this doesn't make any sense, I'm Pregnant?
After asking serious questions that were met with laughs, after inquiring about abortion as my options now because this miracle, wouldn't and couldn't be born, I was losing weight, enduring heart palpitations daily, throwing up so violently that I thought I was dying from food poisoning, she honestly didn't realize what hell my body had endured over the past few weeks as I counted the days, marked them off of my calendar like they were days to mark my freedom like a prisoner from the physical hell of these awful life long disorders. Instead when I requested a blood test to make sure I was actually pregnant and this wasn't just a cruel joke from an office staff that never actually do their work, but get furious when you request that they do so for the sake of your health, the eyes of shock and tight lips of silence were enough to make me realize that this doctor wasn't as progressive as this list said she was, I never thought I'd ever feel guilty for taking care of my health when I knew with absolute certainty that I was dying.
The blood test came pack positive, I was in fact pregnant, and after being told that my surgery was now postponed until this issue was taken care of, well I was devastated, I cried, wretched in pain and agony, felt my entire soul sink into the dark abyss, I felt so alone and betrayed by this industry of healthcare, what healthcare? I was treated like a monster by women of religious devotion because I didn't see the past few near death, toxic sickness filled weeks as a miracle? After explaining to her once again as I just did in the exam room, both agreeing that the intense swelling, extreme sickness and agonizing pain and fever for over three weeks was the ultimate signal that my body needed this surgery to save my life, Endometriosis isn't supposed to rapidly hit a body after such early detection and diagnosis but as most things go along with my body, the unpredictable is always the expected with somebody with so many recessive and rage genetic disorders. To have a woman tell me surgery was my only option to rejoicing that a miracle too place in her office in less than 5 minutes, was the exact moment when I checked out of reality, or being me, it was and still is too much to endure for the psyche and the next three weeks as I waited for my abortion from Planned Parenthood because this clinic and doctor wouldn't abort a child, I was devastated as the post apocalyptic wasteland that still is women's health.
After begging for her help the next morning on the phone after I heard back from my blood test, she extended an offer for a D&C Surgery that would take place right before she tied my tubes. I was shocked and grateful she was willing to overcome her religious beliefs enough to actually offer me medical care and life saving help, however the insurance company wouldn't cover the amended surgery and so my three weeks of waiting for my appointment for my D&C Procedure at Planned Parenthood began.
Deceptive Depictions Vs. The Real Deal
After months of prolonged sickness, wasting away without appetite and feeling my body try to miscarry something that felt like a true intruder to the health and safety of my body I was in mental, emotional and physical shambles. You see, having your body reject something for weeks on end because of poor reproductive health and function is the most agonizing experience I've ever endured in life. With Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ensuring I realized this was a life threatening parasite I found myself spending hours in baths hoping that the contractions would stop, hearing my ovaries grind, pop and explode violently while trying to ovulate and miscarry at the exact same time. I never knew just how far down the abyss of depression I could go until I thought that I wouldn't make it alive to my abortion.
Psychic Premonitions, Turn to The Void, Pure Darkness
Over the next few weeks my weight dropped significantly regardless of how much I ate it didn't stay with me long before violent spells of vomiting were induced, I was pale, sickly white and had a fever that wouldn't stop along with the endless contractions that wouldn't result in either a miscarriage or menstrual cycle. I've only experienced these scary moments a handful of times in my life and I knew and feared each and every day as my usually vivid dreamworld turned to an empty void of pure, empty darkness that if these heart palpitation's continued and this life saving appointment didn't arrive soon, I wouldn't be here anymore, as a Psychic I know all too well when I'm at death's door and never have I felt such a vivid realization of this horrifying ordeal.
What if, I don't make it?
With every hour and every physical, mental and emotional fear that leapt into my mind I couldn't bear the thought of dying from something I never knew I could have and still never asked for or wanted in the first place. What was worse was even thinking for a single second that after so many years of trauma and torture from my past that I finally at long last found the love of my life, my Twin Flame, how could the universe be so cruel as to rip me away from him just as soon as we met and started our lives together as One?! I cried in his arms and so many days and nights he cried holding me, begging me to be strong that there's something better for us in this lifetime, our story wasn't over yet, it couldn't be, this was just an awful accident and impossible circumstance that developed because my body once so broken and sick was actually healthy enough to become fertile once more. This couldn't be the end for us, but as each day passed and my health declined to frightening levels I wasn't sure if I'd even make it to my abortion, or through the next day without being able to eat, while my body forced me to vomit and contracted long into the night trying to let go of something inside of me that just wouldn't leave.
Invasion turns to Madness
Each day I felt this violent movement in my womb, contracting and tearing at the insides of my body, the post traumatic stress disorder survival mode filter was at it's breaking point and I started to feel like Kane did on Alien in the classic chest burster scene. This wasn't a baby, this wasn't even human, this was a life threatening parasite prepared to kill me so long as it kept a nice warm place to grow until it wasn't able to grow anymore. What frightened me most of all was the physical need I had perpetuated by exhaustion and true psychotic madness from feeling my life force being drained from me every single day and night from what wanted to live but just couldn't.
I have to get this out of me, waiting three weeks is too long, Oh Goddess what if I don't make it?
I can't leave him here, We just fell in love, this is just the start it can't end this way!
Why do I feel attached to this being inside me that's killing me? Is this what Rabies feels like? I can't drink water, I can't eat, Oh God I'd rather have Rabies than this!!
What if I'm killing a baby? What if I'm killing something that needs me as it's vessel to come into this world, it was apparently impossible, but He saved my life, He gave me this vessel that was always sooo close to death, true health and now because of that my body in all its hesitation to ever truly let go and be lovingly consumed by another being, managed to create life, in a womb of darkness and near death that was never supposed to be able to create this impossibility in the first place.
What if the world needs this being here, I'm a powerful psychic and He a true empathic and medical genius, what if this being is supposed to be here and I'm not giving it a chance?
After long bouts of terrible madness and insanity, consuming me completely and leaving me without dreams anymore, in the void, feeling the life slipping away, even then I questioned if this was the right thing to do. What if we did have this baby and we just gave it up for adoption, my aunt did that with twins, reflecting back to her words:
It was the hardest thing I ever did and I still can't bare the pain of giving away my babies to ensure they had a life I couldn't provide for them, I've had abortions, life saving ones due to our health issues, they were easy compared to that empty hole that's left inside your soul when you give away the ones you love but just can't have.
Then the most beautiful gesture from a man that never desired children, He reached down as I cried in my chair that night wondering if I'd even make it until tomorrow to see the sunrise from the health deterioration that came along with this brutal process was beyond words, and still to this day feels like a horrible dream that couldn't have happened. He lovingly wrapped his arms around me, reaching down and embracing me, gently kissing and wiping away the tears from my face, he lovingly said
"If you want to have this child, I will love the both of you until the end of my days"
I cried hearing such unconditional, self-sacrificing love streaming forth from my love's lips, I couldn't stop crying and held him close, as he brushed my hair back and off my face he said
"I love you so much, you are my everything, I never knew what life truly meant until I met you"
and as his beautiful words turned to choked up trembles and instant tears he continued
"I'll support whatever decision you make, but I know I can't make it in this world without you, and losing you is the only thing in life I ever fear, I can't lose you I'm so scared of losing you"
As he held me in his arms and we both sobbed into each other, tear streaming down my face and buried in his chest, I remembered how many women die during childbirth all around the world and even worse those women in my own close family that nearly died giving birth, that lived on borrowed time just because they didn't have the support or strength to ensure their health was priority, I spoke with my aunt who lived seventeen years longer than expected by doctor's, cosmos rest her soul she told me and my amazing cousin, "I'm so glad I had you, but if I didn't live in the time I did when I got pregnant with you and if the support would've been there, I would've chosen to extend my now shortened life and have adopted later in life when I was ready" to any outsider this seems cruel, atrocious, ad nauseum, but as my cousin watched her mother each year grow a little closer to death and to finally lose her from the heart related problems that having a baby created for her, taking over seventy three pills a day, just to ensure her blood would pump properly I overwhelmingly felt her presence inside and from the otherside as I held my love, looked up at him with tear streaming down my face and said
"We can adopt in the future, when and if we ever decide we're ready, I can't risk dying to have this, I can't risk losing you, YOU, the reason why I came back for this life in the first place, or even worse, what if I do have this child and it survives and I die in the process and leave you here with a haunting memory of what beauty our life could've been together if I just survived. You devastated, a single father and without me,"
I can't and won't allow any primal coded urge, any social structure or stigma polluted society or any fear of religious persecution from those that couldn't possibly understand, or worse from those I know and love that just can't even in their best days of empathy truly understand to determine my future by having a child that was literally dying, and killing me in the process. I refuse to go out this way, after so much hell in life, so many true near death and horrifying experiences to leave this planet and the love of my life for anyone or anything. The next few days before my appointment was a health nightmare induced haze and as March 12th, 2013 approached I never felt more certain of my decision to take care and to love myself and to save my life that finally meant so much to those I loved and as I prepared for my D&C Procedure at Planned Parenthood, the word Abortion took an entirely different meaning than I ever expected.
My Life Saving Abortion
It was the first day after so many weeks, scratch that, months that I felt calm, the anxiety didn't kick in until I started walking there, it was so early and in the middle of the week, such an odd schedule to do these sort of procedures, until I got to the clinic doors of Planned Parenthood I never realized just how cruel religion truly was. Living only a block away from my clinic I was quite used to having annual check-ups and receiving birth control and free condoms with each appointment, every time it was just instinct as a nomad of Tower District, to wander down the back alley where all the cool graffiti art and interesting, yet harmless homeless people that often meandered around or found shady places to nap in the middle of the day. It never once felt wrong, dirty and was never used as way to get there to avoid the religious fanatics, but for one day in my life it that back alley was used precisely for that reason. As both my love and I walked hand in hand, he constantly telling me how much he loves me and will be there every second of today no matter how hard it is on either of us, we're in it together. Hearing these words were my saving grace and emotional salvation, I never knew I'd ever face them, hearing them chant their gospel of hate, watching them scream, shout and shake their signs as if they were the staff of God himself. To see a barrier of human beings dressed in Planned Parenthood Vests ensuring we knew that they wouldn't allow anybody to assault us, or even come near us if we didn't want it, I took a moment to look around and smile at each and every one of them, before looking him in the eyes and shaking his hand "Thank you, no woman or girl should ever endure this form of persecution" As my love wrapped his arms around me and helped me inside to check-in I felt the overwhelming glimmers of past lives in Salem during The Witchtrials, I saw the endless frightened and guilt ridden faces of the women indoors and their partners doing their best just to hold it all together. I never knew how much I was truly invested in women's rights and social progression than when I heard those voices chanting Please God Save the Children, Abortion is Murder, Change their Minds Lord.
Planned Parenthood Intake
After weeks of online research that mostly induced endless tears when I just wanted information about the medical procedure and instead was endlessly assaulted with mutilated, late term abortion images, endless religious sites telling me what level of hell I was going too, I was truly raw to the entire experience, fortunately the incredible nurses at planned parenthood managed to answer all of my questions and even explain to me verbatim:
"Your fallopian tube is the size of a human hair, the size of the growth inside of your womb right now is smaller than my pinky digit, don't ever feel badly about taking care of your body because so many have portrayed a living breathing child at this extremely early stage. This is why we're here, to educate women and hopefully to someday eliminate the protesters outside because of education. According to your charts, you're lucky to have made it to this appointment without multiple emergency room visits and we're fortunate to live in a state that allows us to help you save your life. We've noted from your transfer to us from your doctor a 25lb weight loss in less than three weeks! This is considered top priority in our field, your body is obviously miscarrying and due to your disorders you just don't have the physical strength to do it."
Side Note: This is also how women died in labor, but that's for another article....
"We're here to ensure your safety and long lasting recovery and health from mental, spiritual, physical and emotional, do you have a good support team?"
I started to cry in happiness realizing how truly lucky I am, "Yes, not only do I have the most incredible boyfriend who respected my decision, his aunt also found out after we couldn't keep it secret anymore, and she's been incredibly supportive. I've also had multiple friends who experienced this sort of situation, choosing to live or have a baby and each and every one of them has been an endlessly supportive to me when I needed emotional support."
"You're incredibly lucky, so many girls show up here alone and I never sleep easily at night not knowing how they healed from this, or if they healed. Your boyfriend is an incredibly amazing and true man."
My Life Saving Abortion
As I left the intake room and waiting in the lobby with my love, I held him close and for the first time I felt in months that I actually breathed, I rested my head on his shoulder and waited for them to take me back to a waiting room, where I was surrounded by girls, so young, trembling, in tears, utterly completely alone. I wanted to hug them all and tell them that they're not bad for being here, that they're taking care of themselves and this was the first generation that ever learned how to do so, we are women of the future. As each isolated in their corner, while soap operas played on a television nearby, I waited to be called back for my blood test, IV application for pain medicine as my ovaries were truly agonizing by the appointment date. I was given antibiotics to help the healing process and was escorted back out to the main waiting room, this was stage two, for what seemed like hours, the room filled with stressed out women waiting their turn to go back and have their abortion, I found out that I was just one week shy of being able to take the abortion pill, the easiest way to go through this procedure. I was saddened that I had to endure a D&C Procedure which basically consists of having a dilator inserted, your cervix numbed and then a vacuum is applied to suction out the embryo and amniotic sack. The entire process sounded absolutely horrifying to me when I researched it, and I do admit it wasn't comfortable even with the pain medicine, but not because it was an abortion, it took 10-20 seconds for it to be over and done with, what was excruciating was my ovaries, they were shot and PCOS had enough of all of the invasive aspects of this procedure, I wasn't scared, I didn't feel badly, the doctor and nurse were both so loving, supportive and ensuring of my comfort at all times. I never liked this one nurse that worked there, she always seemed so cut-off and emotionless, but that day when she held my hand along with my love as the doctor performed my life saving procedure I realized how fortunate I was to live in this day and time, without this medical support that is still illegal in most states in this country, I never would've made it through any of this. As my love rubbed my forehead and kept saying It's all over, I'm so proud of you, you're the strongest woman I've ever known, I love you baby, you're going to be okay. The doctor and nurse agreed and said You're in good hands my dear, now let's get you to the recovery room.
The recliners are padded, the curtains are private to allow you your own space to recuperate through such an ordeal, the glass is dark so nobody outside even knows you exist within these walls and your supplied with juice, pain medicine and crackers to bounce back from a required pre-procedure fasting. As the time went by more girls were ushered in private to their own curtained recliner, and a huge sense of overwhelming surviving a near death situation feeling came over me, my life was my life again, I knew I would be here, alive and safe once more, my Twin Flame love so in tune with my spirit stood directly on the other side of the darkened glass not knowing until later that I was there watching him as he paced, wondering if I was okay, I felt healthy, the cold breath of death was off of my neck and the fever from hell finally broke, my body was going to be okay. As I relaxed and finally felt that something was positive and good about this entire experience it was almost time to leave and recuperate for the next week at home.
Welcome Home, We Made It
The taxi arrived and I was taken home, shortly after I went to sleep and slept like I haven't slept in my entire life, fully, deeply and completely. Six straight hours before I awoke starving, and it was the first time in months that I wasn't scared to eat, wasn't disgusted by taste, smells or other bizarre cravings vegans can't enjoy, instead I ate a meal, enjoyed it, took my medicine for pain and antibiotics for healing and slept in his arms, his unconditionally loving arms long and late into the next day, we'd both been exhausted in all aspects and definition of the word. After a couple of weeks I felt a normalcy return to my life, a sense of peace as I survived this ordeal and was able to now focus again on the life I didn't think I could have just weeks before in the midst of this ordeal. From using Kotex pads for the next week as bleeding was common with this procedure, as well as surprise menstrual cycles, I took it easy, and as slow as possible, having no car during mid-terms at Fresno City College, an entirely different way of healing and coping, to say the least.
The Hardest Part of Healing, Social Stigma
It's 2014 we've surpassed the supposed apocalypse of Y2k, endless war, not wars as that would allude to there being an actual break between each invasion, we have a man as President of African American descent and we even have an entire month that celebrates equality in June with Gay Pride Month and I still have to see your ignorant, hate filled moronic views about baby murder plastered on your fucking signs when I entered into a clinic that was there to save my life?!
What the hell is wrong with you?! No religion, no prophet, no teacher or philosopher would ever approve of the perversion of faith, religion and community that you've done so extensively and still continue to do.
When I walked into the clinic that day and was given a pamphlet from a woman holding a rosary that was the exact type of religious clinic that Mary from the film "Saved" received for teen crisis and un-wed pregnant mothers to find shelter at so that you could isolate, deliver and then give that child to somebody more deserving in your religious views, I'll tell each and every one of you the same exact thing I told her when I handed back her pamphlet in shock of it's very existence on this planet.
"There is No God, Because only The Devil Himself would allow you to give this to me Today. Take it back I don't want your hatred."
She shocked and speechless took back her pamphlet and with one response of You pissed off the wrong witch! She was gone and both the vested chauffeur from the clinic and my love while embracing me and escorting me safely inside both said in unison "I've never seen someone so scared in my life, good she needs to realize the damage she's doing here" along with my love's comforting words "I'm so proud of you, you're such a strong woman" as we sat down in the waiting room preparing for intake I felt my first spiritual breath of validation, I know that that woman has to live with that every single day, just like ever single girl that walks through those doors with somebody they love, or worse completely utterly alone, I refused to allow that woman to ever engage another living being without having to realize what true evil she's behind and what cruelty she's truly inflicting on those that need somebody that cares and supports them during the most spiritually exhausting process of their entire lives.
I'm sure from the above photo you imagined I'd continue my rant about religious fanatics, but what I find worse than those blatantly choosing a side are those grey spirits that find a way to straddle the fence to ensure they're agreed with by everybody, of course that depends on which crowd they're hanging out with tonight. Oh we're going out to dinner with our Republican friends, lets reinforce the structure of 1950's family values and cattily gossip about those less than beings that truly just can't imagine having it all and still having children, Oh what joy and fulfillment they're missing out on, because having children is the only way I feel that void. Oh now we're having dinner with our liberal friends, well lets discuss how we're going to raise our children or better yet let them raise themselves because we're so progressive. This bullshit mentality and grey area of spiritualism is what's catering to the demise of civilization, choosing to be a closeted racist is worse than being a blatant bigot, you know why? because at least when you're an honest self-righteous hypocritical asshole you're easily avoided and eventually die off in the process of natural selection and evolution. But the following attitude as a woman which I've seen polluted in my generation is absolutely sickening.
What Mothers Have Actually Told Me...
I'm Not A Whole Human Being
"I've never felt complete as a woman until I was pregnant, I never felt like a human being until I gave birth to not one but multiple children from multiple father's who I sincerely loathe as much as I secretly loathe myself every single day of my life, they always wanted children so having them made me a better, stronger person."
but lets not focus on actually becoming self-aware and taking the necessary time needed to be a better person for not only myself but for the survival of man-fucking-kind, that's WAY too much to ask...Right?
Having Children Fixes Everything
"Oh, No! I couldn't or wouldn't have an abortion, who would do such a thing? I think that it's so much easier just getting married, having children and lying to myself than actually giving a shit about my life and making it better. Maybe if I have more children our crumbling marriage won't fall apart. Maybe he'll stop drinking, beating me or yelling at the kids all the time. Maybe this time it'll be different, maybe if I have a boy this time just like he wants he'll stay and want to be involved in their lives."
but who fucking cares that I already have a too many kids to give adequate food, shelter, clothing, love and affection too, as long as I keep my partner interested it'll all work out just fine, even when he's beating them, or worse.
Self-Sacrifice for Illusion with Radically Contradictory Views
"I'm so tired, I have no time for me, it's always about the kids, I never see my husband or wife and never have time for anything anymore. I'm broke, covered in puke and shit and I have to keep going until they're in college, we have no income, no jobs, no place to live and we already have two extra mouths to feed and one on the way, I don't even know why we're having this fetus I hope we find a new place before the baby is born, and don't worry whenever anybody responds to this with concern, or question my reflex response will always be "This life isn't for everybody, but I can have it all and when people ask no matter how hard life truly is, I'll always respond with an overabundance of distracting self-affirming words to ensure that other people believe the lie that I force myself to believe every single day as a "loving mother"."
In this economy, do fucking tell me the secret of how you can truly have it all? From being a homeless teen to still can barely being able to afford to pay my bills each month and survive by living hand to mouth everyday on a student's budget, please, oh fucking PLEASE tell me your secrets! I'm listening! Please tell me more about having it all, what does this bullshit concept even mean? Hell you must be the next Suze Orman! Who got her wealth from a donation made by a wealthy friend, it just doesn't happen like that for most of us in the real world.
And in the same fucking breath, in the same sentence the next phrase is screamed at me, when I'm seriously concerned about you and your family and truly am trying to realistically wrap my head around how you're going to survive these harsh economic and transitional times in humanity.
"How dare you insult me for having children, I created life, I have a family and they will be apart of the future, they're the most precious things I've ever had, my reason for living, breathing, existing on this planet!"
Oh really? Is that why you tell them you hate them when they act up, humiliate them when they're just being children, and if they're so damned precious why do you refer to them as Parasite, Fetus, Crotch Dropping, Brood, Labor Force and every other horrifying term that denotes true loathing and seeing your child as a commodity?
I was one of the "Toddlers & Tiara's Crowd", Seriously? Fuck You!
"I never wanted children, but now that I got knocked up, if it's a boy it'll be dressed up like this, and if it's a girl, she's going to be just like me, and if they don't like it, oh fucking well, I gave birth to them, they're mine! They'll do exactly as I want and say whether they like it or not!"
Comparing the reason's why you're choosing to have a baby to the way Paris Hilton parades around lap dogs is fucking atrocious. Don't tell me to pretend you give two fucks about your children, you don't even realize they're human beings, just commercial billboards for whatever trend fits into your ego fix, this month. They're not commodities, they don't have to give two fucks what music you love, or what values you have for them, they're individual sparks from the divine energy source, you are just the vessel they chose to incarnate through, for better or usually in these cases for much worse!
What Damage this Causes for Humanity
These are just a few of the hypocritical views and perspectives I've physically heard, overheard in public or worse been told or messaged about directly to then see those same comments once I've laid down my enlightened 5th dimensional view seem to magically disappear, fortunately I save most of these conversations, especially when I receive endless hate mail from people on your friendslist, who just got your back, even when they have no fucking clue where my perspective is coming from, why? Because they never asked. The reason why I poke and prod, the reason why I ask questions is not to insult you, the way you conduct yourself already insults, human beings, all of womankind and any form of progression in feminism which I thought was a core issue for all women and human beings in the first place.
This apathy, this chosen path of refusing to awaken entirely before creating a world of your own, with family, partners, friends and children, if you so desire, takes true time, it's truly a lifetime's worth of work and processing through it all and popping out children that you publicly loathe isn't the answer, and it never will be, ever. So quit hating yourself, quit hating me for taking that time and asking questions to learn about the world I live in and how others experience it, that is the entire purpose of being a human being in the first place, to ask, to learn to grow. So do us all a favor and evolve or at the very least shut the fuck up, you're just as bad as the fundamentalist Christians but the one thing I'm thankful for is the direct approach of those cults, at least I know where they're coming from, YOU, I can't see when you're coming or going, are you on the side of the fence for progression, anchored on the side of refusing to change, evolve and adapt or are you just fucking nuts? Regardless I'll gladly stay far away from you, like the baby rattle snake the bites are always too much, unexpected surprises and cause way more damage than people who actually know who they are and what they believe. Get it together ladies we've got a long way to go!
For More Information About Roleplaying in Motherhood: Click Here
Since the dawn of time from men thumping us over the head and claiming us as their woman, the historic business transaction that the institution of marriage that modern marriage originated from, we've been cattle, property, owned pieces of a household invested in solely for the sake of reproducing offspring for the sake of furthering bloodlines and joining households to ensure that wealthy families stayed wealthy. This is the true landscape and primordial ooze of which we clawed our way out of and still continue too for generations. From the original suffragists that just wanted to have the rights to vote, teach and practice medicine, to those revolutionary bra burners of the 1960's we've fought for so many years, over a century in modern times just to be treated equally. This also means having equal right not to participate in patriarchal world views, including but not limited too, settling down, getting married and having children. From the endless male republican politicians that blatantly put women's health and rights at risk to the very murky sludge permeating modern generational females with striving to stay in the box, when we already set it on fire, ignited and watched it explode open decades ago when we started this movement in the first place. Don't tell me I'm not a woman because this just isn't for me, to those of you out there with this on your tongue, suck it. I'm taking the time, I'm choosing to be responsible, to provide myself enough time in the harshest economy we've had since the Depression of the early 1920's to ensure that I have a career, good health and a loving partner who's prepared for life's journey together as One before ever even considering this path in the first place. Plus doesn't settling down, sound like a nice modern way of dying? I'll settle down when I'm dead, until then I have dreams to pursue.
Landscape of 4th Wave Feminists & Modern Women
We don't have to fall in love and get married to the first guy we meet, or hell even to the guy that took our virginity, or girl, or transgendered partner for that matter. We're women of all colors, all gender identifications and sexual orientations and to form a family and household takes time, effort, dedication and a lot of planning on both partners to not only create but sustain a happy, healthy, and functioning home. We're fine with in-vitro fertilisation and not rushing our goals, dreams or plans for the future because of a biological clock ticking, sorry nature, we have science now, and science says I can put these healthy eggs on ice and find a surrogate, who will probably end up being a close personal lifetime friend. If that's the route we decide is good for ourselves, our partners and our mutually shared future, that is what we will pursue. This is two thousand fourteen, we're not reliant on anybody unless we choose to be. For those of us specialty mother types we're fine enjoying time with age-players in the fetish community or adopting gay teens that were kicked out of their houses just for being gay! Or children that were born to families who use them as cattle, treat them as commodities and refuse to be conditionally loved anymore for not fitting in your excruciatingly small and outdated box. The world is our oyster and so much is changing that we need to have the strength and mental wits to survive and thrive beyond, until my life is ready for such a truly transformational change, I'm fine just as I am being the fun and crazy aunt of every beautiful and loving child that are the beautiful blessings of my dear friends, family and loved ones. It's okay not to be married, and have children by the age of 30, it's okay not to be married and have children by the age of 40!
Say it with me now:
It's okay to focus on myself until I'm ready and willing to make this monumental and extraordinary change in my life. Until then I gladly pursue my dreams, and being Happy is one of my top priorities and if that means just living life as is, and embracing the wonderful people I already have around me, than I'm a lucky woman. If having children biologically myself in the near future is for me I'd love for it to happen in a natural alignment with all that I've created for my life, self sacrifice is not my goal, transcendental rebirth, always. If it's meant to happen it will accordingly and there's plenty of options that still allow me to nurture the soul of another and the world as a truly compassionate and unconditionally loving mother.
According to you that is, you haven't taken the time to even ask about my ideas, my opinions or values in regards to motherhood and raising children, because I don't already have one my wisdom and insight truly doesn't matter. I never ridicule women for having children, especially when it's done with unconditional love and true understanding of what it truly means to be a mother.
"I never thought of myself as her owner, or being mine, she chose me from the other side as a vessel into existence and because of that I'll always safely guide her when she needs and deserves it but she is her own beautiful being. That is what it means to me to be a mother, to be loving, supportive and knowing that she is more brilliantly profound in ways I'll never truly understand. Not to make her live my life but to help her have the courage to live her own."
This beautiful sentiment was told to me by my spiritual Twin, she never thought she could have children, in fact she had multiple life saving abortions and yet she still chose to have her daughter and because of this loving view about her child, I've truly never seen one moment of uncertainty from her, one moment of sadness knowing that she was a replacement for others that were lost along the way, as that was my mother's reason for having children, her previous abortion was too much for her soul to take so she instantaneously recreated the child she lost, which would've been my brother, but instead it later turned out to be, me.
Lets get to The Root of High Expectations
The reason why I have such extremely high standards for myself in regards to motherhood, is because I survived years of being used as a commodity, a decoration as I trotted around in pageants trying to woo the judges with my sexy shoulders and catwalk strut at the age of three. Seriously what the hell is wrong with this picture? Everything. As the years went by and I realized and was later told that I was born strictly to replace my aborted brother and to ensure that a loving marriage that wasn't there anymore would sustain itself all on the back of a mere child was absolutely devastating. As the years went by I continued to be used as a pawn in divorce against my father, and was only important on holidays, special occasions, birthdays and school functions because mom was much too busy trying to recreate her lost youth in teenage wasteland at the tender age of 30. While she tried to capture her lost youth in a drug and alcohol binge fueled lifestyle, I was too busy all the while focused on books, education and being one of the only latch key kids in my entire elementary school at the age of 6.
At the age of 18 already disabled from the madness, physical, mental ans psychological abuse my single mom inflicted, I tried to move out, start a life of my very own, to find that she stole my identity, and locked me out, by changing the lock, of my own residence as a spiteful way of saying goodbye when I desired to move out on my own. After years of sociopathic mind games, true near death experiences that were caused and inflicted by my very own mother, the one that is supposed to protect you from everything painful in this world, I said goodbye and I've never looked back, and all these years now as she continues to convince everybody in my brainwashed family that she was a good mother, and as the random mail arrives through her mother, my grandmother, who also isn't speaking to me because I choose to wait for at the very least an apology, but instead have been labeled as the one tearing the family apart, I realize that being a mother is a lot of work, a lot of sacrifice, but if you weren't ready to do all of that in the first place, then why was I ever born?! There's no excuses for violence, holding a 15 inch fishknife up to your daughter black out drunk at the age of 12 and telling her you wished she was dead and that you hope she realizes just how lucky she is to even be here I gave you life, that means I can take it away. I'll never forget the feeling of a cold steel fishknife against my abdomen so long as I live, and as for all of you who keep pinning me to the wall for being pro-choice so that women like my mother could've received help and support to avoid replacement baby syndrome, to wait until she was off drugs and a healed, whole, better person before having children, can truly fuck off. I refuse to allow your petty, ignorant judgments about me and my views to stick anymore, because you never even took five seconds to ask why I was even diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in the first place, over 19 years of environmental trauma from my very own mom.
When Feminism was founded it was about women's rights and the foundation was based in equality. it was focused on allowing women the equal right to pursue careers in fields such as teaching, medicine, and politics, the focus was never about children, family or reinforcing patriarchal viewpoints. Then out of the light came the dark repressing attitudes of 2nd wave feminists. The mentality to be chaste, to be pure until marriage, to reinforce a society based on strong morals, ethics and values, we can't have all of these individual women ruining our precious Victorian & Regency Era views, women are made for having children, cooking in the kitchen, raising our boys to fight for their country, and ensuring our daughters were raised strict and biased compared to them with additional reinforcement of religion and attending church as mandatory ritual.
This is the roadblock we're still navigating around during the waves of 3rd wave feminists hell bent on pursuing education before being married and starting a family, determined to burn their bras to ensure that mentalities like Donald Trumps where women should be polished Stepford wives, in the form of Miss America Pageants, was obviously damaging to women then as it is to them now, it wasn't a focus back then to educate these women, it was a focus to go t college and find a husband, not an education or a degree but a husband. I was shocked to hear this from a very discriminatory female professor this year at college who still in her old age advises women of this mentality as if it's the future of our society! As 3rd wave feminists started to realize that independence, not conforming to monogamy and waiting later in life to settle down and have children, it wasn't a big deal to them mentally but their progressive spirits are what's kept my generation of feminism from sliding back into the dark ages when women were cattle, business contracts and societies way to better the family name and lineage, those days along with The Victorian and Regency Era's are long gone for a reason, the mentality of oppression always ends in extinction and society collapse.
As I find myself a proud member of 4th wave feminism that also supports transgendered women. I embrace not having to live my life based on having a boyfriend, future husband, house, kids, two cars and matching dogs. As the world changes I choose to change with it, I don't care to have a home with a lawn out front to have 4th of July BBQ's with the Peterson's next door. When there's plenty of children that need homes and food starving not only all over the world but right here in my own city, I choose to grow gardens, to live off the grid as much as possible, to convert to solar power and pursue multiple medical degrees to eventually open a clinic with my holistic doctor love and help each and every one of you find who you are before being shackled and chained to outdated views from past society. I proudly embrace my life saving tubal ligation surgery, and if I ever want children, I can always adopt. If not then mentoring the endless clients children I already have as well as being Aunt to every single one of my families and friends beautiful children is my way of enjoying motherhood, and maternal instincts. I don't have to settle down, I never have to get married, hell in fact I won't! I don't have to live in a box on a hillside that looks exactly like everybody else's I can live underground in an Eco-Cave, Travel and Move to Earthship Arizona or build my very own Swiss Family Robinson Style Treehouse equipped with Zeppelin for Traveling Fun! The world is my oyster and gender and gender roles have entirely nothing to do with it, I've found who I am and I'm insatiably happy being me. So please stop reinforcing the mindset that if I'm not married, have children, a white picket fence and a dog that sits still for family portraits that I'm not a real woman, that I'm not a happy and fulfilled woman. Those supposed facts just aren't true, and I know in this entire world out of the endless thousands of people both traditional and unorthodox, vanilla and kinky that we all have our own paths to carve in life. As the world continues to perpetuate mindsets and spiritual attachments to things that are expendable and mostly advertised and consumer based in regards to The American Dream, I'm much too busy focusing on how we're going to save the planet, fix the world's problems and for me personally and for most women and men that I know, being up to your eyebrows in diapers has a way of distracting you from seeing the bigger, and life threatening danger that we as humanity face, possible and probable extinction.
So as the droughts starts, and the water your new children drink is no longer free, and limited each day by fees, monitors and the government, because we're already at the point of no return, I choose to share what water my fictitious children would be drinking with the ones you feel so entitled to have in your image in the first place. As more contamination and pollutants cause major and irreversible havoc on societies and countries worldwide, I choose to be a part of the solution instead of catering to an extinct society that is still part of the problem.
Nothing absolutely nothing! From corporations to hopefully voting into office the first female president there's nothing wrong with taking time to build an empire and enjoying the fact that you are one of the few rare creatures that chose to wait instead of getting into one of those teen pregnancy pact circles and deciding at an age that is much to naive to truly know the weight of their lifelong decision, that this just isn't for me. It's okay not to settle, or better yet not to settle on anybodies expectations, from friends, family, those that still buy into outdated views that are perpetuated by the demise of the human race, there's truly nothing wrong with you, in fact you're a woman of the future.
A woman excited to adapt and transition into different perspectives and ways of living to ensure that there's an equal share for everybody on this beautiful planet. Don't feel bad, don't give up, keep going like a true lady boss, you'll know when and if the time is right to expand that empire into a lineage. I'm proud to be a woman of the future, I'm excited to see what awaits for us as the dawn of singularity approaches in the next few decades.
Glorious Creatures of The Future
If I have the sublime chance of growing old and living forever I'll always appreciate the love and time I gave myself to find me, to embrace the beautiful, rare and unique views I have, and to share them with others like me, others that will never understand and even those that violently oppose my radical progressive agenda. If having the 1950's dynamic works for you, fantastic, I know a lot of people in the lifestyle that also enjoy this as a fetish, for me, it's just that, a fetish, something to play with but always as a joke, a tongue and cheek disposition that always makes both my love and I laugh when we try to reenact it for the sake of foreplay or comedy, it just isn't for us, so stop alienating progressive women from feminism and being a part of social circles with other women that have husbands and families, we're not against you, we're not mocking you, we're just asking for the same respect and support in being a woman as you've already expected and received tenfold since the dawn of time. So please stop excluding us just because we're not signing up for the same life you're signing up for, it's my prerogative, it's my life, thank the Goddess!
The first time women even have a right to be free independent beings and you're too busy being pissed off and leaving snide remarks whenever possible just because I didn't sign up for the same life you did? Inexcusable. Embrace the future even if you personally don't support others that want to be a part of it. Not to mention making those of us that literally can't birth children feel like less than human because of health problems that prevent it from ever happening, Disgusting, and the very spirit of why women have been broken down for centuries. Stop blaming us for who we are. Celebrate the diversity your part of the world welcomes and allows, other women world wide still aren't that lucky.
I'm not saying mother's aren't sexy, in fact I find most women that have children to be absolutely sexy as hell, especially when they're pregnant. What can I say we all have our fetishes, and mine well, according to those that know me on that dark and sensual level, they're truly endless. I've never found this part of me to incorporate children and a traditional lifestyle as I am so far from both of those concepts. I'm not saying women can't be sexy, kinky and adventurous while also juggling children, and a family, but I do know from so many of my dear friends experiences that sacrifices are always being made. Canceling play dates to take the children everywhere for school projects, and family expectations during holidays. I've even known a few exotic dancers who have been profoundly involved in their children's lives and by having that high paying career as a sensually liberated female of the future, are more than happy just being a career focused woman and single mother. I salute you ladies you have a hardworking life with endless sacrifices that I never desire to have to choose. While you're worried about graduations I'm planning my next Read Naked Salon Party with the Ladies, and enjoying my Master/Slave dynamic with my incredible God, The Sun King.
As a former Mistress I had my fun with mommying adult boys as Age Players, and well after that got old I realized that I never had the patience to mother children. Instead I enjoy writing erotica, visiting dungeons and creating a passionate, wild, adventurous life with my loving Twin Flame. One that is consumed each and every day by exactly what we desire for our lives, at the precise time that we desire it, not having to make special arrangements just to enjoy adult time together, when you're free to come and go as you please and enjoy your life in true libertine satiation, every single moment and time is yours. For my personal choice and fulfillment in life, as a woman with such complex ways of thinking and unorthodox practices, children just never made sense to this mind and probably never will in any traditional sense of the word. I'm the lineage and blood of Lord Byron, his illegitimate heir that was consummated with infamous literary heroine Mary Shelley, I've always been proud to be the blood line of a bisexual, orgy loving man that was cast out of his family onto a rich estate to throw endless soirees of decadence and perversion, this is who I am, and after so many years of genealogy research from a long line of royalty, bastards, horse thieves and ministers, it's my prerogative to celebrate my life as I see fit, in true libertine sensuality.
I Will Always be a Proud Pervert
From highly inappropriate views, lifestyles and gestures to endless shock comedy I relish and enjoy being obnoxious to traditional values. I'll never feel bored, or unfulfilled in life because I haven't time to pursue my personal goals and dreams because of living to societies standards and expectations, instead I embrace, love and relish in the depraved pervert that lives and radiates, scratch that oozes sexuality and sensuality through ever pore and orifice of my being. I refuse to feel like a whore, as so many people of both genders decide that I rightfully am when whispers behind porcelain backs ensue, it's always hilarious to me in a day and age of technology that people even think they can't be exposed for the hypocrites they truly are. As you continue to cheat on your husbands and wives, and talk shit about the self chosen, self liberated scarlet woman, I smile and find amusement in your need to save face and show to the world your perfect little home and family, while secretly messaging me for booty calls, or threesomes. I relish in knowing that every time I'm called or labeled a whore, that' it's always proclaimed by people way worse off than I am in any area of promiscuity and I know for a fact that they've never taken even 5 minutes to actually know me.
Quite Honorable for A Debauchee
I've had 5 sexual partners in my entire life, most of them female as I was a self-identified lesbian before I met my first bisexual partner at 18 and later fell head over heals for my Twin Flame, who I happily chose a life of monogamy for over a former polyamourous lifestyle. So keep talking your shit, keep flapping your mouth, you're just making a bigger fool of yourself than anybody, because the people that truly, legitimately know me, realize my honor, my forthright disposition, I've never helped a married woman or monogamous woman cheat on her husband, and when I was poly everybody knew, my secondary partners knew, my primary partner at the time knew, and nobody had the balls to call me whore. They just enjoyed inappropriately hitting on me when I was more than aware that they were in committed relationships, then after denying their advances multiple times they chose to put me and my open and honest lifestyle on blast on social networking, pity we can all easily use screen capture, it's pretty hard to deny those obvious lies. I know what you think of me, I know that deep down you're envious and I am the intimidation and fear of your worst nightmares, because I am a honest, truthful, loving and real woman and to anybody trying to fake a happy life for the masses, I am your Satan incarnate. Remember ladies and gent's Satan means Adversary, I am the severity to your mercy, the light t your darkness, and because of that false paradigm in your mind, I am your worst nightmare. Goddess forbid a woman use her labia and actually care for herself instead of settling for what society expects of her.
What's worse is that I get the bullshit mentality from the same women that parade around as Feminists while tearing down everything this movement offers for us all in the present and future.
Once you can embrace the life you chose happily and completely you'll find no need to tear others down that don't fit into your very small box. I was made for the entire universe, I'm everywhere and everything, I outgrew boxes ages ago...and so it's time for you to do the same.
As a Psychic I've had a fine tuned meter for bullshit since a very early age, approach me with drama in person, which is rare, or online much easier for immature beings, I will and easily can identify your disposition. You can sweetly and overly nice with sugar on top be as kind and courteous as you can in public towards me, but when I can read and see Auras, the blazing red doesn't lie, I am a very affront to the delicacy of your nature. I am the opposing force to your traditional values of morals and ethics, I'm the avatar for your negative conversations with those equally as brainwashed as you are and it never gets old when somebody male or female or transgendered tries to fool the psychic.
You'd be surprised just how many friends we share, just how many love me precisely for being me, even though you just can't fucking stand it! I get the forwarded messages, the emails and the screen captured posts, I can easily get your message when I ask a general question that challenges a patriarchal paradigm when I'm removed or blocked from your friend's list and then awkwardly interacted with in public because we all live in Fresno and in Tower District everybody knows everybody for better and worse. It's always amusing to me that this two faced mentality still exists in America, or more aptly put White America, because as a spiritualist, anthropologist and adventurist, I've been in plenty of cultures and cities where people are more than glad to tell you to your face Bitch I don't like You! No excuses, if you can't be honest with others, you're obviously lying to yourself.
Darling Just Fucking Own It
When you have the labia and balls to be honest I appreciate it. I'd much rather you tell me to my face or directly in email or messages that we're just not compatible as people on this planet. This is respected, this form of honesty in your lack of maturity and tolerance is what being a real woman and owning it is all about. I honestly don't care if you enjoy my company or presence what I do fucking mind is you hitting on me in private when you're married and have children and then put me on blast later about my radical and alternative views when I kindly denied your inappropriate advances. I detest the fake smiles and rigid welcomes when I run into you in public, when you just don't like me, fucking tell me, so I can easily avoid your bullshit attitude and paradigm, life is too short and darling I'm much too busy for common courtesy when you're trying to tear me down and ruin my reputation because I'm the very symbol and representation of something and someone that you'll never be.
This mentality got me killed in more than a few past lives and I'll never tolerate snakes in the grass anymore. Once I know your motive, your bullshit mind games and need for attention that I just don't give you like every other one of your 4,000 followers and fictitious online friends that keep reinforcing that your views are right when they never even got to see the ugliness you created on your end of the public post in the first place. Kindly remove yourself from my life, and just fucking own it! Quit pretending you're not truly a cunt, when I have my cunty days I publicly admit it and when I hurt people I apologize, make amends and always move forward together on good, healthy and progressive terms. I don't say sweet things to your face and then destroy you when you have no way to defend or support yourself, bad form, in any disposition of debate or actual physical fighting, that's just dirty, and never in the sexy, fun, kinky sort of way.
So Darling, Just Fucking Own It!
Being nice to people you hate in public and tearing them apart when they have no way to defend themselves is Not Feminism. Using your husband, wife or partner to defend your insecurity issues and need to hate others for being different than you, the very definition of xenophobia is Not Feminism. People of any gender that identifies as a Feminist doesn't play victim, doesn't tear others of any sex down because they were too busy having problems with people instead of realizing the problem comes from within. Only you as a human being have the power and ability to overcome mentalities, attitudes, beliefs past, present or programmed and to choose with free will to overcome the need to bring others down because you refuse to build yourself up.
This mentality is not only tearing apart the very fabric and movement of feminism but it's now bleeding into hating those determined to bring world peace to this beautiful planet from equal right's advocates, LGBT Community Members and those that transcend labels and titles as humanists. This is Not Okay. Because you choose to sit idly by on the sidelines of humanity, spreading poison with your cruel and pointless words, the rest of us are doing our best to fight for those all over the world that still aren't allowed to teach, read books, partake in careers or ideas for living that are strictly allocated to the male patriarchal society and race. The more you sit down curbside and whisper in each other's ears that the Burlesque Dancer, Bellydancer, Pin-Up Model, Exotic Dancer and Topless Protester are Whores that are embarrassing ourselves, the more you refuse to participate and actually get involved and speak too and understand the individual choices in each modern woman's life in all parts of the world, you're just stuck in Ethnocentrism, and as an Anthropologist and Spiritualist this mentality has to go because it's the same programmed from the only culture I know, my own, mentality that caused Britain to Colonize India, the same Xenophobia that caused so many people of color, religious belief and gender or sexual orientation to be hunted down like animals and violently killed just for being who they are. This is still happening all over the world today, we don't have time for your slow pace, we have to keep going for the women that still can't experience the true liberation and freedom that we as western women and feminists experience every single day.
To resist your own darkness literally means you are controlled by it, mentally, physically, spiritually and with tongue of poison, which is where the idea off warding off the evil eye originally came from. Gossip and negative intent is what is the root cause of this destructive female personality, that leaves women alienated, feeling alone and even more lost when they try to join a movement that was and still is founded on equality. Which means tolerating views and lifestyles that harmonize or oppose your chosen way of living.
Goddesses Unite as One
Besides my wonderfully body positive years spent in Oakland where size, shape and color of skin isn't what defines sexy and liberated, where attitude, mentality and a desire to support those of your sisters surviving in a patriarchal world, I found my true liberation and goddess spirit in the modern pagan community. From speaking to fellow brothers and sisters of the craft about sky-clad rituals, something I still look forward to participating in with future goddess circles, to the very idea of each and every woman being a divine goddess in her own right.
From the triple Goddess that represents The Maiden, The Mother, The Crone all aspects that are burdened too or despised by modern and westernized women who want eternal youth and never to relish in age or wrinkles, I found the most beautiful parts of female divinity in female vessels incarnate. From Goddess Gatherings that surround each woman with fellow females in the buff or clothed, to cleanse, purge and nourish the deprived soul of those of us that never get enough tribal interaction and true appreciation as our own individual beings until we're once again surrounded by these forward and progressive souls that all realize without our darkness we'd never be able to radiate light. You see paganism isn't all about feasts and adventures, drum circles and bon fires, yes those key ritual components add major pomp and circumstance to any ritual or celebration but to find the unique individual spirit that radiates within us and to appreciate that in every other living soul that we encounter is truly the heart of the pagan woman.
We know we're flawed, plenty of us have our scars and many of us parade them more proudly than most traditional women. We realize through our darkness, our demons, our inflicted pain and suffering that our souls are more open, loving and understanding when we find flaws in others, because we have them too. We haven't the time for mind games, catty gossip, and tearing down beautiful people, we're much too busy healing ourselves and in turn healing the world, and we'd never have any understanding as to how to do that if we didn't already conquer and tame, discipline and balance the darkness and light that lives, breathes and animates our souls into our bodies and into our shared experience on this planet. The more women choose in free will to harm instead of help, to tear down instead of build, the more they play into the most atrocious belief that ever existed in Christianity and modern patriarchal societies and social circles. That women need to be guided, they can't guide themselves.
So while women are being stoned to death for adultery in the middle east, and women are being forced to have their clitoris cut off in Africa, keep talking shit, and perpetuating the darkness that has caused our beautiful goddesses worldwide to suffer, and continue to suffer because of your laziness and ignorance in helping them overcome the atrocities expected of women, for just being women.
Dangers of Social Stigma
This shouldn't be allowed in this day and age, worldwide we're all more than ready, we're determined to find good medical care for women world-wide, so get your ass off the curb and grab a sign, start doing something positive for these women, you have no idea what they've suffered, I suffered immensely on all levels while waiting for my life saving abortion, and I was one of the lucky ones, that received support from friends, family and loved ones including my Twin Flame and Partner, these women were not and most still are not receiving the life saving medical care and unconditionally loving support that I received, and without both of those crucial components I truly don't know how I would've been able to endure what these women went through.
26 Women Share Their Abortions
Women are forced to save thousands of dollars, travel multiple states or across the other side of the world to countries thousands of miles away from home, alone, frightened, riddled with guilt and shame, and some of these brave souls, are merely doing so to save their lives, and sadly something we still never talk about, is how many young women, teenagers and abandoned souls are dying because we decided that their need for an abortion opposed our beliefs. Women are driving across the border or Mexico right now to obtain a legal back-alley abortion in clinics and homes that truly cause death in hopes of helping out a woman that can't receive medical care in her own country of the United States of America. The mere fact that coat hanger abortions are still taking place should instantly perpetuate each and every one of us as human beings, as women and good people to ensure regardless of their differing views, that they have the right, choice and medical approval to receive the crucial and at times life saving health care that every citizen of this country and other countries world wide are entitled too.
If it wasn't for living in California, and having Pro-Choice as an option, I'm lucky, incredibly lucky, If I lived in Texas, driving to Mexico would be my only option or worse, a late term abortion which are still looked down upon by liberals and republican's across the nation, but are the only option for women in most parts of Texas. If options were open for everybody in every state, late term abortions would be the rarest abortion procedures to ever take place. We must say No! HELL NO! to the gross indecency that modern women's health care is, and we mustn't allow those with religious agendas to ever have power or the right to control something my doctors and myself both willingly and with life saving intentions have the right to do with my body. No woman should ever have to endure this much trouble to take care of herself and her body. Things have got to change!
With endless women world wide being ostracized for not being virgins, or worse killed as witches for being unpure, we truly have a long way to go. Where most countries women still can't possess land, independence, the right to choose husbands, or wives, to become educated members of society and to choose to not allow others to make drastic and lifelong choices for their bodies and way of living, is essential for the future of modern humanity.
When women have to fight to not have clitorectomies to have the right to choose for themselves not to allow religion or family to dictate what form of genital mutilation they have to endure, is crucial to the health of women world wide. They're not even asking for abortion or same sex marriage rights, they just want to grow, be treated as equal and for god and goddess sake have the right to choose not to be mutilated when they're too young to choose for themselves what their beliefs are in regards to women's sexuality.
They're presently stuck in the 1st wave of feminism that we've had in this country now for over 100 years, we cannot allow our sect of feminism to lull in hypocritical stasis, when we still have women that don't have the right to choose if an invaluable part of their body is removed or not before their even conceptually aware of what pleasure, sexuality and women's equality are truly all about. It's not only our right, but our mission and battle cry to ensure women world wide received every possible and equal advantage to every aspect of their lives as we already take for granted here in America.
The Essential Componet of Healing,
Whatever life you choose, choose it with certainty, for in the end you'll always have to defend yourself against those that want to throw you to the wolves, whats funny about this mentality for me personally and for strong women everywhere is that this just gives me time to sharpen my fangs and show you who the real wolf is. I've had many years of being shamed, being told my views are wrong, fucked up, offensive, twisted, obnoxious and cruel, and through all the internal absorption that comes along with being an empathic being, I let it chip away the person I knew was okay, beautiful and all of the incredible and incredulous sides that only people with programmed paradigms ever truly seem to have a problem with.
Realizing that opening myself up and my soul, hoping for understanding, compassion and love from people even if they couldn't grasp first hand what I've endured was the moment I truly got to see everyone's true and ugliest colors. To these and future people whom I'm sure will take plenty of time to find great offense from this and other articles, sincerely, truly, endlessly I have one thing to say to all of you:
I don't need your "I smell shit", stink face, while you're busy validating paradigms that are ruining the world and tearing at the very fabric of society and enforcing the structure or why women feel alone and without female friends socially from fear of this mentality, I'm too busy actually giving a fuck about what happens to women, to myself, to others across the world that truly have centuries to reach even our part of the movement, to those that will never understand me and even to those like you, that truly don't want too.
I don't write and practice my belief to gain followers, attention, and for those to sweet talk me into never changing, growing, evolving and being the best human being imaginable. NO! I'm showing the truth, tough love from a being and powerful psychic that sees far into a future that has possibilities and far into a future that we may never see if we choose to continue as we are now. Seriously Fuck Off, and in the words of one of my dearest spiritual mentors Shift or Get OFF The Planet! The more time and energy any of us give to debating or caring about you, steals away the light and energy needed to truly change the world for every woman, man, child and gender in between. I don't have time for you or your mentalities, like all things from societies of failed past's, I'll just pull up a chair when your entire civilization burns to the ground, I've brought popcorn, 3-D Glasses, and endless fireworks to celebrate the demise of spiritual death for the sake of spiritual immortality.
I plan to leave a legacy that will inspire every woman to find herself, to be treated equally and to advance us all towards Oneness. You're too busy planning on how your children will look by smashing up their faces on photo generators, as you can see, we clearly have very different priorities. So let's not waste anybodies time, You go your way, and I'll go mine, Fuck Off and have a good life.
This issue, article and viewpoint isn't for everybody, it's for me, and to support those that have gone through equal pain, suffering and alienation from friends, family, strangers and society. If you're pissed off at anything that's been said Good, true art, brilliance and profound messages aren't meant to cater to your soul, they're meant to challenge it, to help you understand your views, if they've changed and if they've never changed, to help you realize a side of the story that you've never heard or taken the chance to hear because you've been too busy judging and persecuting others for not living their lives the way you do. This message and story filled with insight and true life experience is meant to soothe the pained souls of those women too scared, ashamed and guilt ridden to endure one more moment of silence like a rape victim, to never tell people they had the dreaded abortion.
Shhh don't talk about it, it's not real, I just want to pretend it never happened.
Why are you using the A Word, we're in public.
In this day and age the only people who should ever feel guilt, shame, remorse or the need to isolate or alienate themselves from the rest of us are the ones still hurting those that are still healing by ensuring they never reach that feeling of wholeness again because they're too busy hiding and pretending that they never had an abortion in the first place. This article is for those brave souls who endured with such bravery and strength knowing for themselves and the rest of humanity that by choosing to take care of themselves that they did a kindness for society and made true advances in equality for all human beings by loving themselves unconditionally. By not having their baby that was born of rape, incest or accident. By not resenting it it's entire life because they didn't have the strength, courage and bravery needed to pursue this procedure, for whatever personal reason they had at the time. This is who I write for, those still alone, in the dark, feeling awful about doing something positive for themselves, their health and the rest of humanity by not becoming yet another parent that detests the child they never wanted or due to lack of maturity were never meant to have.
From having vivid dreams of my dragon child flying around in The Nightlands like the Kahleesi's dragon child Rhaego, Game of Thrones Fans, will need no explanation as to why this child never survived, I've found peace and solace in The Goddess and Matron of Lost Children, Lilith. The Demon Goddess of Christian Lore, The Whore and Red Head, that was Adam's first wife, who enjoyed coitus on top of her male lover, was cast out of Eden into the dessert to roam and wander, to become a succubus and demon just because she was a liberated woman. I awoke shortly after my abortion to her beautiful face smiling back at me, in the nude she appeared out of thin air in the abyss, the dessert of the tree of life, the astral planes are always so much more welcoming to a psychic, especially when she's healing. She showed me what would've been our son, his face and skull mostly carved out in darkness, a pair of horns and bat like wings of leathered dragon scales, screeching and flapping around as more children followed and wandered off in the distance with their new mother. To most people this dream would've been a true and absolute nightmare, but it was so healing for me to have and to have been given from dear Lilitu. She came to me in my spiritual life when I needed a mother, and now she's there taking care of the son that was never meant to be. I often dream of them now and know somewhere out there he exists, even if he's in the ether, and deep down I'm healed and feel comforted, not having my own mother as a support system in my life this time was harder without her, without the guidance of a woman that also endured an abortion to save her life. As I still have dates logged away ridiculously due to PTSD's extensive memory bank, March 12th will always have an impact on my soul it was the day I saved myself and sent what couldn't have become a child to the Nightlands, and as October 4th arrives this year, the day I would've been in labor if that was the parallel universe that still exists somewhere in Bramha's Bubble Tree, I know that somewhere, somehow, another version of me was able to have and enjoy being a mother and in that I find profound peace. I still occasionally have dreams of what he would've been like, how much he'd remind me of my loving Twin Flame, and tears stream down my face knowing somewhere, somehow that he does exist and we're their to take care of him until our dying days.
I've Conquered The Universe to Love Myself
Loving yourself when you feel so much was taken from you before you ever even knew who you were is the most perilous journey any soul can ever take. I've fought, almost died more times than I can count, and even in the darkest hours was one of the reasons why I almost crossed over for the final time. Through the hell and trauma of my childhood that wasn't chosen but was raped into my soul from a very early age, to endure endless years of disorders, health problems, terminal diseases that should have buried me at the tender age of 3, and 23, I choose to love the beautiful woman that I've fought so fucking hard to become. Despise me and my messages all you want, if that is how you choose to use your precious time on this earth, that's your prerogative, but I will not for one moment, join in that movement with you. Towards myself or any other woman on this planet, I'm not here to make people fight me to validate who they are inside, I'm here to inspire so many more traumatized, oppressed, victimized and beautiful women to know that finding who they are and falling head over heals in love with you no matter what they say, is the only thing that matters in this life, this world and as a woman who truly desires to radiate like a Goddess. That is where my mother spirit goes, this is where I choose to nurture others, from adult children like myself that still need love, guidance and support, to the children that are arriving on this beautiful planet each and everyday, some of which are your very own gurus! I haven't the need to procreate when there's so many beings that still need a mother on this planet, I vowed at the age of 5 and still keep that vow, that I will always be Wendy, to endless lost boys and girls across the world. Because they will always have a place in my Tree house, heart and home. Age is never the problem the way we view it in others is, there are plenty of grown children still needing somebody to care about them completely. To these beautiful souls I'll always be the matron of lost children, just like loving Lilith has and always will be. As Kahleesi Daenerys would say Mother of Dragons, Breaker of Chains.
It's never easy growing, it fact that's why we have a term called growing pains. These aren't just adorable titles for those shin splints we all get as children, it also applies to our minds, bodies, and souls. From each experience from surprising to expected it never gets easier, it never stops hurting if we don't take the time to heal, process through the information, experience and often grief, and choose to find a brighter, better and more evolved way of dealing with our present circumstance. I never regretted one moment of trauma in my life, from heart break, being kidnapped or almost killed by my own mother or other relatives, I've never regretted or asked for any of my experience in mental hospitals or psych wards during my dark hours in my teenage angst years, all of it, every single bit of it, was necessary, chosen before I incarnated, As Jasper my Spiritguide often reminds me, and without these invaluable lessons, obstacles, and even horrifying times in life, I embrace and appreciate all of them, because they made me the profound, incredible, absolutely unique being that I am today, and I know that so long as I inspire one other being that's always felt different, incorrect, or born in the wrong time period, that they too are essential, a crucial petal on the giant lotus of humanity that shines just as bright as I do, it's worth the criticism, the drama, the gossip folks, and poisonous tongued psychic vampires in and out of the scene. I'll never stop following my heart, it's the very compass that brought me to the happiest and overwhelmingly good times of my life, right now in the present with my Twin Flame. Without my soul guiding me and so many guides from the other side, ancestors and deities too, a mind that categorized information, paths to take and paths to avoid at all costs and peril, I never would've become the strong, confident, powerful, amazing, beautiful woman that is writing these very words right now. Embrace the scars and relish in their mark they let you know you're still alive. For anybody that's had even half of my near death experiences I know you understand how truly invaluable it is to be here, right now.
This first image quote completely conveys the sentiment of how I feel now post-abortion. In reality I will grieve forever, for the innocence that was stolen from my soul by enduring countless doctor's that never wanted to help me in the first place, to doing everything imaginable in my power to ensure pregnancy would never happen, because I never wanted to endure going through this traumatic and exhausting experience in the first place. I try every day to get over, and truly heal from the experience, and with unconditional support from friends, family and the man I love this has been a much easier journey than I ever imagined, but still there is a part of me that has changed, will always be different, you just can't get over having an abortion. The suffering from social stigma, fear of persecution, and having spiritually been possessed by the concept of right and wrong, to risk my own life for the sake of a possible child, nobody can explain to you for you to fully conceptualize the state of madness that comes along with the process of abortion, if it wasn't for these reinforced paradigms, no woman would ever suffer nearly as much during this trying time as they presently do. We should treat women who have had abortions with the same compassion a woman that's endured a stillbirth has gone through. It's truly that hard, on the heart, mind, body and soul. I have rebuilt and am always focused on that spiritually, it's a life long process, The Great Work, as the Occultists elaborate, I wasn't whole during those weeks, I felt empty, gone and dissociative, that endless out of body experience was hard to endure, I literally checked out, I feel more whole now than I ever have before or I wouldn't have written this article in the first place, and as I know I'll never be the same again, I don't want to be, I realize that this lesson has provided me profound insight and true first hand experience at the atrocities of modern women's health care and world wide women's rights movements. Without this profound experience I truly wouldn't have the profound determination needed in true understanding to continue to move forward as a whole, as One, for myself and for womankind.
Take Me As I Am, Or Watch Me As I Go
Those are the options, I don't need your toxic words or validation, this is my life, my journey and my experiences, if it helps you I'm so profoundly grateful and humbled by the experience of sharing this with you and hope that it heals you on your personal journey whatever it may be. For those of you that just can't get it, refuse to get it, don't want a single part of it, You're free to go! The Universe gave you free will so kindly use your ability to get the fuck as far away as you possibly can away from me. Pull up a chair, buy a ticket, take the ride, that's all we have in life, that all I have to offer, eons of the hardest years of evolution, compressed and neatly organized in this twenty seven year old vessel. It took me this long to completely embrace, love and heal myself from the harshness of humanities judgement and persecution and today, tomorrow and for the rest of my life, just as I've lead it for the first twenty seven years, expect plenty more of this to come until the spark of life leaves my body for good. You're not forced to watch, participate or even care, you choose too, plain and simple, so you can choose to wake up to your true potential, to love, embrace and support different people than yourself, or you can live in suburbia, drinking alcohol at your kids play dates while popping Xanax just to ensure you don't kill yourself for another miserable day. I could honestly give two fucks less. Just live your life and allow me to live mine.
Life isn't always pretty, we're born in the midst of a bloodbath and some of us never arrive here at all, some of us have the rare and decent exit in life such as falling peacefully asleep, and so many more of us will die, sad, alone, sick or brutally, but what truly matters most though, through all of this is how you choose to live your life. It doesn't matter if my lifestyle is for you, your lifestyle isn't for me either, but my refusal to accept your doesn't end with thousands of women each year having to experience traumatic, life saving procedures just to continue on in life, if they're even lucky to make it through the procedure in the first place. Life is a journey, a truly raw, beautiful, horrifying and invaluable spiritual journey and for those of us with the strength and courage to never stop, we find the light after emerging from darkness. As long as you follow your own path, listen to your heart and try not to step on anything in the process as I truly try my best to do, we realize that with love, support, friends, family and even those in opposition have their place, in helping us grow, to determine how we choose to view the world stage and all it's players, and I do hope in a future not too far away, that women will receive the medicine and healthcare that they desperately need, regardless of your views, regardless of your opposition, each and every woman worldwide deserves a right to choose to save her life, and to also prevent yet another child from coming into the world, that suffers from neglect, resentment, abandonment and so many other mentalities that no child should ever endure on this planet in the first place. It doesn't matter if you're pro-choice or pro-life, what matters is that until women are not allowed to die all over the world from something that can easily be preventable by modern medicine, is the battle cry for our era, epoch and generation, and I hope that whatever side of this awfully controversial fence you've found yourself on, that at the end of the day, you can let go of everything and just let us heal from the already traumatic experience we've endured that will truly never be forgotten. We need to support and love one another now more than ever, and if your on the side that ensures women die, you have a long way to go. Please, we need you to understand, we don't need your support but your compassion we'll take every single day until the end of time.
Wild women of the moon, you were not made to be tame, you are an earth quake shaking loose everything that is not soul. Earth Goddesses know the truth, the healing rage that wells up and rumbles through the earth when our beautiful sisters aren't receiving the love, support and access to medicine that everybody has the right too. We fight, protest, shake and rattle, yell, and emote until the world changes and as those of us mermaids find the depths and purge the shallowness of our souls and the soul of humanity we see the world a lot more clearer, a lot more beautiful and prosperous, we never have to be apart of the expectations of the world of man, because we are the sirens of the sea, the purging, cleansing, healing goddesses that avoid pollution on all levels, mind, body, soul and heart. As we all begin to find that oceanic ambiguity to be the balance in the universe we'll finally come together as One in mind, body and spirit, and no man, woman, child or being awaiting their arrival on this planet, will ever experience suffering for a part of life that we've all endured, will endure or will overcome after it's been experienced. Swim Mermaids, Swim, we need you to dive to the depths of the darkest seas to find the treasures we're all too frightened so search for, Earth Goddesses, rumble and shake your earth in divine intent, The Goddess is in You, She talks through You, and for Goddess sake we need your strong voice and reason now more than ever. We can't go back, not now, not ever, when women performed their own abortions, alone and ashamed, later bleeding out and dying just to ensure that the 1950's lifestyle was preserved. We can't go back, it's too late the doors of the future and enlightenment have already been opened and we must help those still too scared to walk through, too ashamed or undeserving by the structure of society that they presently live in, to take our hands, and enter into the new age of humanity together, loved unconditionally as One.
Was a place to call my very own, a place to feel at Home, to be loved, accepted and embraced as a crucial piece to the puzzle and member to the greater society. I never looked for inspiration in books, films, or from talking heads with nothing to say, I silenced my voice, silenced the world and let me soul and heart do the talking. The enlightening whispers from the other side, the endless encouraging moments in life that were endlessly paranormal in explanation all signs and directions to keep going, to follow my heart. I never let the words of the world sway me from my soul's truest purpose, to find my Twin Flame, and to never rest or stop until my dreams and goals for life came true. So many of those beautiful dreams have manifested and so many more are seeds just waiting to be planted, to grow and blossom into the future of humanity for all. As I realize so many have a problem with my ideals, perspective and cosmic understanding, I find it to be just another reinforcement that I'm on the right path, every time the world and it's people have challenged me, I don't sit idly by, give up and agree for the sake of propriety, I'm not to meant to be in a box, I'm not meant to fit in, I'm here to be the entire ocean, I will never thin myself out, my time, my energy, myself, I refuse to sacrifice what the world desperately needs to ensure we continue on just to be apart of the herd that desires to continue reinforcing a dream that is long gone. I'll always pour myself out into the world but have learned that reserving my deepest love for those that have returned, reciprocated and appreciate it unconditionally is truly my hearts desire, and as I wander the abyss and the earth simultaneously, I know that finally at long last I have a place to stretch my bones, to lengthen my smiles and to spread my hair, a place where legs can walk without cutting or bruising, a truly free place unchained from societies outdated standards. I've found my home, in my loving Twin Flames arms I finally found one place to call my very own. You deserve this more than you'll ever know but only those that tread where angels fear to tread will every truly realize the power, strength and divinity of Woman, Goddess Incarnate.
I've always had moments of fear, of loneliness because I knew no matter how hard I tried to blend in and try to be accepted by the tribe, that I was never meant to fit in, I was born to stand out. The overwhelming spirit of the liberated soul perpetuates one to push, break-out and explode if needed out of the paradigm, the expectations, the box that most find so comforting. The wisdom of The Goddess flows through this sacred body that loves unconditionally and creates light with Tantra in Twin Flame Union. I am the Mother of Lost, Thrown Away and Humanities Spiritual Children, and with this heart, soul and spirit in Sacred Communion with The Divine, I choose to separate from the herd, I choose to welcome the whispers, the judgments and the confused and perturbed looks, I choose to relish in the role I've been given in this world, for it was the one I always chose from the earliest recollections of my memory. I know who I am, I love completely the endless facets of my being, and like a diamond all of my sides sparkle and shimmer for the world to guide themselves Home, what and where ever that may be. As long as it's done in love, light and for the good of one and all, we as humanity can move forward, and embrace those that were cast out as black sheeps, weird, blasphemous, or cursed. We can choose to give these profound and rare beings their truest place in the world, to shake it up, to make it ask questions, to brilliantly shock it into the next phase of human existence, we are so much more than gender, roles, society, and expectations, boxes, and programs, we are divinity incarnate and we're worth so much more that what we're presently allowing ourselves to experience. Whatever you are, whomever you are, embrace yourself completely and finally we can all stop hurting, hating and being hurt by others. This is the Future, The New Golden Age of Humanity. Ascension means to "Awaken" So wake up my friends, you've been asleep for far too long. You were made for more than this.
Glimmers of The Golden Age
In hopeful conclusion I leave you with the two most profoundly progressive image quotes that truly embody the newest generation of feminists. The Fourth Wave Feminist, men, women, transgendered all focused on being One. Focused on accepting that marriage and it's institution doesn't represent the modern worlds views of women and the ideals are opposing to feminism, we accept that this hypocrisy is being used against us the more we hear gender based hate slurs, the more we hear women blaming men for something we're all involved in, the latest layer of sludge that's happened in this movement. We're aware of the misogynists. they've always existed, but to rise up in resistance and opposition, to blame every being with a cock between his legs that he is why we're so angry, just doesn't cut it for us, we can do better. Not focused on biological urges to procreate, we choose when if ever we decide to have children, because as the foster care systems rise, and more immigrants children find their way here with no place to call home, we hear the cries of humanity and we are ever so eager to embrace those cries with unconditional love and support by being a mother for us all, not just for our own. We realize that we have forever to have children biologically, with the advances in science and with the loving support of surrogates everywhere we don't have to be pregnant by the age of 25, we don't have to walk down the aisle, we can choose to be in love forever without ever having to do so. We embrace our sisters and brothers in the transgendered community, we embrace those women and men of color that support the movement and perpetuate us into a positive transcending future as One. We realize that societies are built on the structure of black and white, yes and no, right or wrong, and we know too that every civilization before that continued to use these cro-magnum mentalities of solving problems have all disappeared off the face of the earth, to be replaced by a more dominating, society. We realize that the future is for us all, not women, not men, not you or me, but for everybody, whether you like it or not. I know these beautiful women that dance nude and protest topless for the sake of all truly understand that if we're ever to eliminate rape culture in America, we must first eliminate the taboo of a naked female body. Tribes world-wide nude and without rape statistics are already the proof we need and as more Goddess Gatherings and Sky Clad Circles of Love, Trust and Oneness arrive, I finally at long last realize where I fit in, not here, or there. We belong Everywhere.
To those of you brave, beautiful, Goddesses Incarnate from the Near Future, I Welcome, Love, Embrace and Celebrate Your Individual Power and Our Collective Power Together We Can Change The World. Namaste. Love & Light.