Leap Year 2012 
A Life Transforming Year: 
From Heartbreak to Twin Flame Divine Reunion Pt. I

I remember it as if it were yesterday, a chilling December night tormented my wildest dreams, pulling out the sacred totem shape shifter animal that's been given to me ever since I was born into a world through near death and fetal trauma. For those with Native American heritage it is no mystery that when our primal self emerges from the darkness to warn us of imminent danger like the captain on the ship of the Titanic realizing that capsizing is certain as the impact of the iceberg has already taken place, I awoke in the dead of night seeing myself in full Panther form realizing that we had to go, had to move, wander yet again to find solace, stability and hopefully new opportunities to survive in this vast wilderness with so few little resources available to those below the poverty line, especially after the economic crisis struck, I really did notice how every account dried up and that our place was no longer a sanctuary but a beast of burden forcing our hands to work to the bone each and every day just to ensure that rent was covered and that food was on the table.

We continued to pack long into each and every night, searched all over for new places hoping to find a place that cost 1/3 of what we were previously paying and preferably in the Tower District, a place that I always hoped to call home, and now have for the past four years now since the day Valentine's Day arrived. Not only did this wonderous artistic district filled with creative bohemian souls provide an outlet for creativity it also happened to be mere blocks away from Fresno City College, a college I'd been accepted into more times than I could count but just couldn't make it across town without reliable transportation. So as Valentine's Day arrived a man I once called "fiancee" and I found ways to manage the financial pitfall we were in due to self employment, the slow season and worse, the only savings we ever having being spent on drugs to ease the depression of a man who was quite immersed in self loathing, pity, and emotional masochism of the most foul.  It's no wonder that of all the days he chose to move, knowing full well that I'm a hopeless romantic, that he demanded we move on Valentine's Day. 

​February 14th arrived, and it was time to move, a hellish day of abusive words from him about all of life's failures, then my own as he chose never to see the choices he made as an obstacle to financial security, stability or the simple life. We arrived late that night, unpacking throughout the next early morning, never realizing that my entire neighborhood already heard the hateful toned words that flew out of his mouth with the greatest of ease. Already moving in as the couple who was trying their best not to fall apart, I devoted my focus towards myself for the first time in life, pursuing an education I'd put on hold to help him solidify his business before returning nearly 7 years later to be told that college was a waste of time and that I shouldn't bother with such pipe dreams. After weeks of obstacles in the form of ex fiances was put in my way time and time again, I realized that this relationship wasn't working anymore, a part of my soul and heart knew that this chapter was almost over, I just had no clue how incredibly fast and profoundly so my life would change once true love stepped in to inspire my soul to take a leap....

I have to admit after discovering this ancient tradition hidden in the isles of Britain from the customs, traditions and heritage of my own family, I found it to be insanely romantic and quite fashionable in speaking in terms of feminism. For me rebelling against tradition but using the pillars as a foundation for progressive tradition has always been a huge part of my mission in my creative life. To reinvent tradition to adhere to the spiritual path and soul of the one living and walking it, is by far the sacred shaman way. 

As a healer I've always found St. Brigid to be a profoundly powerful deity to work with in the healing arts, as the sacred deity of healing, hearth and home, her triple fire provides the action, courage and passion needed to live, embrace and adhere to life's ebb and flow in incredibly healing ways. I invite her into my home every Imbolc and into the lives of women everywhere today and every leap day. She inspires us to live authentically and to never waste a moment's time proceeding towards the direction of our practical and healthy dreams, she's exalted in history and in modern pagan tradition for her selfless, loving and passionate ways.

As a woman who is an ordained minister I'm inspired to join couple's together in the institution of marriage, for those in modern traditions who thrive on love, family and joining two households, for this pagan woman however, the idea of marriage has a harsher tone, being a custom that was usually listed by the upper class to trade and barter women to other families like cattle in hope's of strengthening financial ties, bonding families with the siring of sons and leaving women without any self sustainability without the production of future men in the form of brood mares. I've always been a fan of pagan customs known as Handfasting's sacred ceremony of joining two as One, every year and a day to celebrate the chosen not forced institution of marriage as bought and paid for but a choice to choose eachother for another year and a day, or to part ways as treasured kin wishing one another well as we part ways, to unconditionally be chosen time and time again, this is the kind of love story I hope to have in entirety someday. 

For those who think I've painted my gorgeous porcelain belly yellow, I do admit I've proposed to my eternal Twin Flame more times than I can count; so far tradition adheres to his soul, perhaps next leap year I'll have a nice ring to show off, but by next leap year perhaps another article will find itself revealed with expanded news about our sacred journey together in life, all I know is if you are a woman ready to propose to the man or butch of her dreams and is looking for a way to celebrate after they say "Yes!" I'm more than elated to officiate your beautiful ceremony and can't wait to bless your union in love and light as you depart the aisle as husband and wife. Take a leap! It's Leap Day, it only comes around when the year is divisible by the number 4, not every 4 years as we've all believed so far, who know's when this one will come around next? 

I have to admit the rejection alone after having a feminist forward proposal turned down would be humiliation enough, but to have to wear gloves for an entire year to hide my feminine shame from the town's folk for just being passionate and spontaneous on leap day? Pretty harsh if you ask me, the mere thought of having to wear them due to a governed law stating my rejecting love is required to not only buy them but that I was ensured to wear them, oh the anxiety and panic attacks, the middle ages were medieval for a this and many other crazy traditions. Well that gorgeous gown or money would really go over well with my pint of chocolate coconut cream to soak up the tears of leap day marriage proposal rejection, I mean nowadays you'll probably still be living with the guy! 

As a woman who was tried and convicted at Salem Massachusetts's during the darkest times in American History, I must confess this does put a profound twist on this historic day, I'm most pleased to be making a positive leap towards the next chapter in my life, instead of being forced to take a leap off the cobble stoned ledge to my death. In regards to Friday the 13th however, it holds a special place in my dark gothic heart, it was the day I was reunited with my Twin Flame Love Divine. 
​***

I don't want to go into, at least not in this article,  the downward spiral that having your freewill taken away from you through sexual assault by the one you love does to you. It's beyond devastating, but in a profound and horrifying way fueled the fire of survival in my soul that long since went dormant for the previous 6 years, convincing myself I was happy in this state of self denying, self sacrificing bondage, it allowed the fogs of depression, hopelessness and utter soul devastation to harden and strengthen like a throne made of iron and I embraced the transitional time towards healing myself completely because once I was ready to take the bold leap of convictions, moral, ethics and ultimate belief in self, there wasn't any conceivable way for this man turned monster to stop me in any way, shape or form. 

I focused all of my energy on creating beauty, love and light in the world over the coming weeks, from introducing myself to new spiritualists to ensure to their souls that Psychic Bella of Shadows Into Light Spiritual Services Temple & Archive was only a knock, phone call or email away for those who sought guidance to transform the darkness of shadows in their lives into enlightenment. Over the coming weeks, I wandered and roamed all over Tower District, making connections with my new beloved surroundings and searching for ways to change my life for the better. From connecting with social groups, reconnecting with friends I hadn't seen in years due to sequestering myself in North West Fresno trying to pretend that my life was so much better than the nightmare I'd gotten myself into, hoping that the dream that turned into a mirage would turn back into the dream I originally saw when he and I first met. 

It was the first time that I accepted that I'd lost this game of chess, and refuse to travel further downward in this spiral of depression drowning in stasis wishing I had a way to follow my dreams with the one I loved, even if this meant no longer accepting the masquerade of love that currently existed in my life. It was time to tear up this self written book in my life, to stop watching cobwebs conquer my dreams leaving me in spiritual stasis mourning the loss of a life that could be lived if only it was able to be lived to the fullest in an environment that was nurturing and fostered genuine growth. It was time to see what was out there, before the bleak thoughts of suicide crept back in to offer their ultimate suggestions to a life of trauma's most challenging questions. ​

I felt the stirrings of my dark, tarnished and depressed soul, reaching out to inspire me to be reborn, I didn't fathom how, where, when or who would inspire change with the offer of generous help and the offer to exchange love, as a phoenix the only thing I did know was that it was time again to burn to cinder and ash, to be reborn to once more never forget not to fly too close to the sun. ​

Leap Year 2012 
A Life Transforming Year: 
From Heartbreak to Twin Flame Divine Reunion Pt. III

On April Fool's Day a mere week after I'd created yet another Plenty of Fish Dating Profile, that I was sure would last for a week before every man and woman on their once again appalled me to delete it again; left in disgust I found myself more than astounded to see one of the most beautiful and ridiculously handsome men I'd ever seen, appearing to my old world eyes to be from a different time period compared to the endless hipster 5 o'clock shadows, Ed Hardy Hats and Jersey Shore girls this regal man's profile picture called out to me unlike any other I'd ever seen before. His eyes dark, smoldering and penetrating, his profile legitimately filled out with who he was authentically as a man, his passions, dreams, career goals, desires and his practical methods to living a beautiful life, haunted my soul as if in a time warped dream, "Could this be too good to be true? You've got me curious, you delicious stranger, dangerously curious" for two days the moronic, nonsensical and gross emails flooded my inbox, and yet in the section titled "recently viewed" this charming face kept popping up as one who's been recently oogling my profile, reading and perusing, yet not a single message arrived in my inbox from him. 

​​It was the first time I'd ever felt myself being drawn into something profound, powerful and ultimately mystifying. It was always something in my soul that helped compel me to take a leap forward towards my free flowing multiverse destiny to find out just what this mysteriously beautiful man had waiting for me. I never found myself fixating on men this way before, in fact besides my primary partner I considered myself personally as a bisexual woman leaning much more towards women than to men. To be so captivated with somebody I'd never spoken too before was unlike me, I usually found such curiosity to be dangerous in my experience causing one's heart on a sleeve to recoil deep down into the dark chambers of the protection of my rib pillar caged. 

I couldn't deny my feelings of curiosity any longer, I let my eyes gaze deep into his and once more read his profile seeing a few additions to it since I previously checked, "Were these new additions because of me? My curious eyes?" As a Mistress and former slave I've had more than enough experience in such games of prey between cat and mouse and for once my feline self wanted once more so desperately to see what this Lion had in store for this trembling white rabbit. 

I couldn't resist anymore, this intriguing man's silence was the solace and comfort I sought most in a world that was loud, painful, harsh and filled with overwhelming stimulus that usually ended in mourning. I simply wanted to connect, to know of him more and to genuinely see for once just where an authentic, unabashedly honest conversation would lead me in life? A simple message sent to this man of intoxicating mystery was promptly returned with effortless eloquence. It'd be a lie to say I didn't instantly swoon at such a thoughtful response, from discussing interests to flirting in such a sexy way that instantly drove me wild with ecstasy. Where most women and men shy away, find need to turn to insecurities and to ward off sensual advances of the self confident, self assured Mistress of the night, he was instantly responsive, taking my simple flirtations to an entirely new and smoldering level, beckoning me to play, to laugh and to endlessly enjoy each and every message exchanged over the coming week. 

​I remember my birthday arrived that year with no special notice, concern or care from the one I loved, if it wasn't for my best friend at the time, taking me out to one of our favorite gay dive bars to celebrate with the leather daddy crew, I probably would've cried myself to sleep seeing just how heartbreaking this usually more than celebrated day was now passing by without notice, much like the rest of  my life and dreams at the time. The best part of my night on my then 24th birthday was arriving home early as the club was dead and so was my desire to be out any longer, was finding his message in my inbox, wishing me a wonderful birthday and hoping that it was everything I ever wanted and more. I realized that somebody caring, taking notice and even going out of their way to remember when we'd just started speaking less than a week ago, really had my heart open, wondering what this meant, what could it mean? 

After learning so much about this man, in such little time the level of comfort was surreal, and as an empath the longer I communicate and form ties with anybody the more vividly I can feel them, and even feel how close or far away geographically speaking that they are to me, in the past this made for powerful long-distance tantric connections, and presently in this week, I felt as if he was next door, just behind me, nearly everywhere I was wandering around Tower District, and wondering why I felt him this strongly, and why I just couldn't stop thinking about him suddenly during the most mundane parts in my day. After realizing that were could walk to one another's home we were so close, the exhilarating feeling of wanting to wander around late at night like an alley cat during mating season, was overwhelming, realizing that unlike so many others that usually show me what's waiting for me at their bedroom door, I was given the air of mystery, told to come and get it, and given a private invitation to meet with him that Friday Night that would last until Twilight, a night before my 24th birthday to receive the ultimate in gifts, Him.

 I waited to hear from him at his usual hours but no messages came through that morning to tell me where to meet him at what time exactly this big bad wolf would like little red riding hood to come visit; so I focused on getting drinks with my friend the next day and hoped that it wasn't the last time I'd hear from him. Along with the lovely well wishes for a good birthday came a reason why an address or time to meet up was offered, "I'm so sorry I never got in touch with you last night, my room mate was supposed to be out of town last night but suddenly decided to cancel their plans and throw a big wrench into the ones I had planned for you." Such a genuine exchange it felt wonderful to hear that he wasn't intent on never meeting, if anything just to have a great conversation with somebody of intellect in life was worth pursuing beyond all the butterflies that came along with endless flirting and chemistry. I didn't pry or ask questions, just took it in stride for once, and let this effortless feeling of ease continue between us and so the conversation continued to flow until he couldn't wait anymore, he had to meet me as desperately as I wanted to meet him. 

On a dark, stormy Friday the 13th in April, in the year Two Thousand and Twelve; A Leap Year,
​I was reunited with my Twin Flame.

Leap Year 2012
A Life Transforming Year:
The Long Way Home 

The air was alive that night, electrifying would be an understatement, I rarely tremble during rainstorms anymore but I knew deep down in my quaking heart that this was an adventure; once in a lifetime in fact. A chance to have so many secrets that have mystified my mind for centuries it seemed would be revealed once I met this incredible man that reached back his hand to mine as I reached out hoping that this would be the time the person reaching back wouldn't be afraid to share everything this universe has to offer with one another. I wasn't disappointed in the slightest. 

After effortless flirtations were the endless flow of this already carnal exchange it was no surprise to me when I arrived to his home, waiting as he instructed me to do so, to meet me at the gate. I must admit by the time I saw him approaching I was trembling far too much to find the ability to make it to the gate, in fact red cloaked I found myself sliding out of my seat, and locking the door, just in time to have him introduce himself to me, with those deep, dark, penetrating eyes, his wicked smile twinkled in the full moon light. With passion overflowing it was hard to strike up words when lips were much too busy sharing the carnal, visceral energy that we spun into existence together in secret for the previous two weeks of our pre-planned love affair. 

After I followed him into his backyard and wandered into his back room, a dark and dreary place, illuminated with candles, mirrors and plenty of sumptuous pieces of furniture for this feline to find more than inviting. We sat down and partook of our mutual lover, lady cannabis, the conversation flowed, and we couldn't get enough of each other, not that night and not any other night I've ever known these past almost four years now. The sexuality exchanged in deep, mind shattering tantra was more than either of us had ever shared with anybody in this world before, we were used to being used for sex, to be the ultimate gift to another as we realized long before that we were the best they'd ever have, even before those words were uttered later in the night after pleasure, passion and games of S&M were long spent, for us to feel such generosity flowing ever forth too and from one another was beyond anything in this world that either of us still to this day can put into insulting words.

The ever flowing, passion, pleasure and endless compassionate exchange shared eternally bonded us and reawakened us both to glimmers of our previous incarnations together, and for the first time in my life, my heart, mind and body were on the same page of the book of life, it was time to take a leap, to exit, pack my bags, and find a way out from the cruel grip of abuse, self imposed bondage and what PTSD determines is my only deserving existence, towards Twin Flame Divine Reunion, beyond anything we could've ever imagined when first embarking upon this journey in 2012. 

Leap Year 2012
A Life Transforming Year: 
Rebirth the Ultimate Catalyst Evolution 

In Western Society it's easy to judge women for Victorian Social Crimes. Without the resources for women not to be owned and subjugated to abuse, domestic violence and worse, rape and assault, it's a wonder to me how we can fathom living, breathing and surviving in a country where there is no option for a woman when she wants to leave her partner and start over, she simply has to rely on her family; if she has any and hope that resources can and will be provided to start over, because for most of us who could even fathom of starting over and trying to escape those who are holding us emotionally, physically, financially and sexually hostage, we realize that there truly are no options for women like myself who realized that they could no longer endure, suffer and pretend that everything was okay, when it wasn't.

In fact I tried leaving my primary partner many times over our seven year relationship. Each abusive moment that arised, the cops were called, and I begged for help and resources, nothing was offered and the abuse that ensued after the calls over the next coming days, weeks, months and eventually years, was worse than if I just left the first time, left to be homeless and destitute, roaming the streets wondering if I'd ever get back on my feet again. This is the reality of women's rights in America and the rest of the world right now, if you fell in love with a rapist then you have two choices, leave without help, resources or a place to go, or stay and hope that you can make a break for it, eventually. 

This toxic dynamic was instilled in me at a very early age with parents who abused drugs and alcohol and couldn't physically or emotionally contribute to my health or growth as a young child, it's easy to see how women continue to try to do what's right, by not leaving their current partner to pursue one that's genuinely loving, caring, helpful and doesn't desire to hurt them in any conceivable way, because if we as women leave our abusers in favor for a man or woman that treats us right without first moving out of the home we share together, dissolving our assets together, married or not, and then taking the proper mourning time to then proceed to date, it's astounding to me why those in the Victorian Era had such a high concern with older barren female children, you never get a chance to even bare children you're too old too by the time you've adhered to social propriety. 

What should've been an easy process, took months for me not to feel guilty about, as I still shared living space with my primary partner though our relationship was agreed upon as roommates until we can each find a way to move out, was the existence of our circumstances even though so many thought of us as some happy, blissful couple who were planning our wedding. This is the tragic state of women's equality in this day and age, be labeled as a whore and shunned by all of those who disagree with social crimes as vividly as criminal convictions or continue this facade of engagement bliss while my Twin Flame waited for patiently and watched over me in protection; never asking or inquiring for more, just loving me and embracing the time we shared together every moment we arranged meetings for dates, events and excursions and just time to wander around as One and realize that we are all each other every truly wanted or needed. 

I found it more than odd in this particular circumstance to try to span two very different worlds one that was overwhelmed and blinding in darkness and the other so vividly brilliant that no woman, man or even inter-dimensional being could deny that this was the more than obvious choice down the life path to certain true love destiny. It wasn't easy to say goodbye, it wasn't easy to watch as somebody else had their heartbreak as much as mine if not more due to the harsh rejection. After being broken up with 4,000+ times over trivial debates and arguments in seven years, one day in December a few days before our destined 7 year anniversary, my former fiancee broke up with me for the last time, and instead of running to cater and please his pride while mine was shattered in pieces nowhere to be found, I found the strength to accept what was always freely given instead of choosing to fight for nothing more than the chance to fight again in the future, like a Spartan.

​When we are only afforded the options between abuse and possibly death, I'll gladly wear the word Whore carved into my forehead with an old rusted knife, it's much more freeing to reject society when their choice to reinforcement comes with the price of you possibly sacrificing your life, or worse living with trauma hand in hand until the day you die. 

The next few months were the hardest of my life, never imagining that both pursuing entering into college full time for the first time and dissolving a broken relationship with my now ex-fiancee/roommate would be the biggest challenge in life, while trying to keep it all together I realized the reason why it began falling apart in my hands in the first place was due to this very request I asked the universe years ago and again that spring with a dear friend by the river. 

"Reveal to me True, Twin Flame, Undying Love, I my soul set on fire with Enlightenment this Year." I should've known when my priest shaman friend said "Oooo good Goddess, you are definitely asking for a harsh path this cleansing cycle" I should've realized fully what that meant but now almost four years later it's just fully coming around to reveal the ultimate answers of love divine, always finding away to take us out of blinding darkness into brilliant light. 

Because no woman, man or child should ever feel obligated to continue to soothe the soul of those who have done nothing but take their soul away. We deserve better in this world, you deserve better, 2016 is the time to TAKE A LEAP!

Leap Year 2016
The Year of Carpe Diem: 
Eternal Paradise in Twin Flame Divine Reunion 

It's been almost four years now and I honestly don't even recognize myself anymore. That weakened, timid and reclusive girl has blossomed full bloom into the most gorgeous and well protected wild red rose this rose has ever seen radiating color and fragrance for the entire world's garden to see. I never knew how truly crucial it was to preserve not only my sense of self, but more importantly to this old world bohemian dreamer, the ability to pursue this life and all of my passions with full fervor until the end of time, was only impeded by those who refused to love, care for others and who truly refuse to exchange anything but vile and poisonous self hate onto those who just want to make the world a little brighter, to smell a little sweeter and to be a bit kinder in these harsh and challenging economic times.

​To share generous conversation with a man that challenges my ideals, my views and my shortcoming's each and every day with political, religious, philosophical and idealist rhetoric is just one aspect of life's simple beauty that was truly missed for years while I tried to love someone who could never love themselves or anybody else, resulting in heartache for any sensitive spirit like myself who just needed a little water, light and hope to be doused with chemicals, mud and darkness for what felt like an eternity.  To never feel the harsh weathered storms of somebody who uses anger as a violent weapon, to only be embraced with love, support and unending faith that I am by far a living goddess incarnate, his true Shero in all forms of the word, one who united with me four years ago to ensure that cancer was cured with the ancient healing powers of Cannabis, and from that first conversation and entire life's mission to join forces together, to help those who have no help, to love those who have no love, to provide to those who are unable to find doctors invaluable ways to heal themselves, mind, body and spirit. 

To know endlessly that your dreams are a priority by someone else's standards, is the ultimate in love, it sets your soul on fire, leaves you with ease to spend hours inspired to wander the cosmos creating, innovating and reimagining things into existence that have yet to return or ever form here before. To transform the quality of life for every single human being on this planet, this has and always will be my calling in life, and to finally have that partner inspiring me to take leaps into his arms, towards my dreams and to the future of tomorrowland, it's certain that this is the reason why we call our Twin Flame's Home. 

To share in a magical experience together a way to reinvent the universe, to reimagine and reverse engineer things we've overlooked in the past to now find reason to pay attention to it to see if it in fact will thrive: to grow in the garden of life without restraint allows me to feel as light as a balloon, to pursue my writing pursuits, to travel the world with the man I love and call home, to share every secret of my life experienced with him thus far to now, and to create a world he and I would be proud to live in together, this is what true, undying love is all about, the one thing I never had in life but truly ever wanted, this is what taking a leap on leap day is worth, having the universe give you everything you ever hoped for and everything in this world that you personally deserve. 

This year is the time to take a chance, take a leap, follow your wildest dreams and never for a moment sacrifice the precious and very little amount of time that is left here for each of us in each incarnation as we transform into the ultimate versions of ourselves to ascend to singularity with in this lifetime and for the extending of it when that time in medical and spiritual reality takes hold from theory. What are you waiting for? What's truly stopping you? If I could transverse this desert wasteland to paradise you too, can find the ultimate oasis, you just have to learn to love, let go and whatever you do don't forget to leap. ​

Because ultimately in life, we have nobody to blame but ourselves for not indulging, for not tearing the world apart and watching our entire world crumble before transforming that ash into the new concrete cinder kissed pillars that will ultimately serve us as we build a personal and worldwide empire that scales, time, space, love and adventure towards our ultimate goals and pursuits of passion, joy, pleasure and happiness in life. 

You've lived for so long, and waited until now to grab a spoon and dig in! Take leap this is your chance and your year in 2016 to finally capture every beautiful thing your heart has desired. As for me, I'll be busy traveling, building an empire and sharing a life well lived once more as Twin Flames take a leap towards our ultimate destiny and truest goals in life this year and every other following this one in the very long future we have planned ahead. I'd be more than glad to tell you more, but you'll have to wait for my book to reach publication next Halloween. *smiles* 

In life every single day is leap day so just do it already...
Take a Leap, It's Leap Day! 

The Early Years: Childhood
Age: 3-5
I was never one of those girls that enjoyed playing with Barbies or Playing House, in fact I was more invested in tea parties with spirits only I could see as a young child, or relishing in my early years of nudism and ruining ever girly, stereotypical female ensemble that my mother just had to put me in for one societal based reason or another. I had aspirations for building a New World with my Lego's, putting my naturally skilled engineer brain to work with Tinker Toys & Lincoln Logs all the while finding adults and my male cousins aspirations for preexisting Jackass antics, this whole having kids, getting married, having matching cars, matching dogs and a white picket fence with a husband...

No, Sorry you've got the wrong girl, 
I'm going to be a Pirate, and sail the seven seas like Blackbeard and Captain Morgan...
Or join a Traveling Circus as a Lion Tamer and Snake Charmer....
Oh wait! I can't forget about living forever and dancing the night away as a Vampire Ballerina...
Traveling the World, The Old World, The World of Art & Literature....
I wonder what it would be like to be an Exotic Dancer or Vegas Showgirl....
Scratch That, I'll be Catwoman and Save Gotham from Crime with my Feline Prowess! 

These were just a few of the many dreams I had as a child, and some I still do hope to enjoy as life continues, As the years went by and more and more female friends were consumed with the thought of The Disney Princess life, my cousin already owning a child size BMW and having everybody in my family find it down right adorable that she already sold out to societies expectations for females at the tender age of 3 was quite revolting to me even in those early years, who the hell came up with this One Mold Fits Every Woman standard or scenario for life, it truly never made sense to me and even now as a liberated, progressive and at times highly controversial and radical woman of the post millennium age, for some reason I still can't relate to even 2% of the modern female agenda. 

The School Years: Childhood
Age: 5-10
As I started school and was surrounded by boys and girls that found me to be quite fascinating from either being more than interested in learning how to kiss at such an early age, to the very individually carved path I required for my sanity during these awkward years of social interaction was overwhelming. I wasn't interested in boyfriends, why bother when I just wanted to learn what kissing was all about. Obviously this attracted the wrong type of attention more so from the girls than the boys, it never made sense to them to just kiss somebody, there had to be rules, ownership and all this responsibility of being some boy's girlfriend if kissing was on the menu. 

Needless to say I didn't have very many female friends from the start, my entire life has been salt and peppered with those that enjoyed my radical views of the world, relationship and lifestyle dynamics but in these tender years it just made me an outsider, quite cast aside by the girls in class that were envious of my boldness, my lack of boundaries that later are explained through Female Asperger's , and other unique and radically life changing experiences that predestined my course along with the added twist of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, having the idealized westernized, picture perfect gift-wrapped life, never quite made sense to a girl and woman that was always just trying to survive.

As the years went by and boys found me strange for wanting to travel the world and cosplay as my favorite superhero's instead of wanting to settle down with a family and kids in our hopefully distant future, I started to isolate and turn inwards and found myself spending much more time alone, happily in introvert paradise, and absorbing as many books of the old world and the new on the subjects of love, adventure, and the true meaning of life. When other boys and girls were playing games of boyfriends, girlfriends and eventual marriage, I was quite enthralled with Byron, Shakespeare, Poe and endlessly other brilliant minds that my wonderful elementary school librarian would give me access too, you see being an avid reader from an incredibly early age was always my passion, and that passion for reading opened doors, worlds and gave me comfort with concepts that most people my age could care less about, while playing dodge ball and seeing who's dating who was the purpose of those lives, it just never was my focus, I wanted more. These precious moments that were my salvation during the Breaking Bad & Sons of Anarchy Years of most of my childhood, and in those books, those words by so many brilliant writers I found who I was, who I am to this very day and for those blasphemous libertines who were also Black Sheep's in their time periods and epochs of society I found myself and fell head over heels in love with the woman I am and the strong progressive soul that I was in those early years of life. 

The Pre-Teen & Teenage Years
Age: 10-13
The turning point was when I changed schools, no longer surrounded by the diverse cultures of Fresno, forced to dive deep into the homogenized predominantly Caucasian, Yuppie side of Wealthy Clovis California I was even more prone to being introverted about my true views and feelings towards life's expansive experiences. Being one of the first girls at age eleven in my entire school to hit puberty and start my menstrual cycle before everybody else, this Huge Impending Sense of Doom, permeated through my entire being as I was starting to be categorized like cattle just because I had the ability to bleed once a month. 

The boys are going to really like you now, you're a woman! 
Aren't you scared about getting pregnant, now that you can get pregnant?

From the endlessly moronic and non-educated questions that arose in sexual education class, that sadly even I had more insight about thanks to a mother who was very straight forward and supportive of early age sexual awareness, it was beyond shocking that most of my female friends thought that using tampons increased odds of pregnancy, and other nonsensical blatantly shocking concepts that never even crossed my mind, because I was given the freedom and liberty to learn what being a woman was all about on my own accord.  Sex was the farthest thing from my mind then, as boys started asking me out, dates was a concept I wasn't ready for nor were my parents, it was an assault to the senses that I somehow became more important as a human being, just because I was now biologically and in the eyes of society, officially a woman. 

As the weeks and months went by and more girls turned to women in front of our very eyes, with the topics of breast size and sex lives being the forefront of every conversation I started to see just how different I was from the rest of the indoctrinated youth. As boys that age couldn't understand nor appreciate a woman who never wanted to be exclusive, tied down, utterly and completely theirs, they never truly quite understood me, except for those that saw me as some sort of physical commodity with no repercussions or responsibilities, of course I wasn't interested in any of what any of them had to offer. I wanted to travel the world, as a bisexual teenager and blossoming woman, being entirely devoted to one gender or the other seemed preposterous to me at the time, and of course boys didn't seem to mind that side of me but always tried to use it to their own advantage. To spite them I found it incredibly amusing to brilliantly mind-fuck them out of my life, as my grandfather said She's too smart for her own good, she'll be the first female President. This mentality was always conducive to my true soul, I want to travel the world and see the stars I haven't the time for this reinvented 1950's lifestyle. Too much gypsy in this heart and far too many past lives of independence that eventually lead to my own demise, but fortunately in this life I've managed to find a better balance. 

So as the girls were still more concerned about fitting into this preconceived mold, I was forced to explode out of it, as they continued their amorous games of tease and denial, hoping their new breasts and french kissing would keep him interested enough not to hit on me or other girls who weren't interested in settling down at the tender age of twelve. I started inquiring into my own ancestry, beyond social standards and expectations to find that being a mother to animals and adopting in the future would probably be the only way that children would ever be a part of my life, if I even decided that that was the life I chose to lead in the first place. 

When your entire childhood consisted of late night feedings to runt and orphaned animals you seem to have a better perspective of what motherhood has in store for you and how it's truly not all what it's cracked up to be. From taking AP classes and advanced music programs combined with no-sleep and feeding, watering and cleaning up endless blankets covered in shit to ensure that they didn't die, just added that extra charm at the tender age of thirteen and helped guide me down the path to true self-liberation, not being a part of the herd, but a leader in a nonexistent pack. 

Puberty, Where All The Health Problems Started
So there I was minding my own business enjoying my life as I knew it when BAM I get my very first menstrual cycle. Most girls my age were counting the days, just waiting to be a bona-fide, legitimate woman, Well at least where I was located on this crazy planet.  As for me even after years of knowledge of how it would eventually happen, was truly mortified, as Spring Break just started my twelfth birthday was fast approaching the last thing I wanted was to learn how to use Kotex Sanitary Pads. Even writing those awful words makes my skin crawl and body shudder, for me it was just one more thing to fixate on and worry about, I was in tears all day quite furious that I wasn't born a boy. As my endless emotions turned to insane rage induced chocolate obsessed feasts that would make even a Cannibal lose his lunch I was shocked, mortified and just pissed the fuck off that now it was official I was a part of this movement that was created long before I was ever born and just because of this I was lumped into a group that I never truly ever felt a part of in the first place.

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome: PCOS
The first few years seemed to go off without a hitch besides the usual awkward and uncomfortable social interactions, but by the tender age of fourteen every cycle was a living, breathing, excruciating hell. It was exactly what every woman with a hysterectomy in my family was worried about, that I too carried on the legacy, bestowed upon me by not one but both sides of my family tree, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. 

From the first to over fifty emergency related hospital visits that I've had over the last decade since I was first diagnosed, it never got better. Each year the pain got worse, with each cycle being more grueling than the previous, most of which requiring an emergency hospital visit due to the immense amount of ovarian cyst explosions that erupted at once and leaving me a crying, sobbing and swollen ball of agony, to missing school so often because of the effects of the disorder that I became truant, and most of whom I thought were my friends started spreading rumors about Hypochondria and a true and serious need for Attention. It was the farthest thing from the truth! While I had to have notes to miss swimming in during gym class from doctors because my ovaries were showing too many signs for cyst burst risks on the countless ultrasounds I was left out, left behind and even made fun of just because my body wanted to ovulate just like every other females body does, naturally and without complication. 

Never having the idea of Having Children or a 1950's Style Family, It was exciting to me to find out that with this disorder that I had a 2% chance of EVER having children. My mother was in tears, she sobbed and wept realizing that being a grandmother wouldn't be in her future, but still even today that was the happiest day of my life. So as I excitedly consented to birth control and minimal hormone therapy to reduce the complications of cyst bursts during every cycle, That's 12 sometimes 13 cycles a year, I finally at long last felt a sense of peace return as I could start enjoying my life again without the complications of PCOS. 

Fun Fact:
You have an 18% chance of getting Pregnant while using Condoms
For a woman who never wanted children that now has a 2% chance 
of getting pregnant this was the ultimate in good news. 

Endometriosis: Time To Explore Tubal Ligation Surgery
After years of conversations and loving support from my family about choosing the unorthodox life and not having children, not getting married, and never settling down as that to me signified death of free spirit, we started to discuss the other peril that permeated both sides of my family tree. Endometriosis, was much more rare in my family but somehow managed to either hit women in my family before they were thirty years of age, or they were in the clear and just manged their PCOS with whatever therapy was offered for them from birth control, to hormone therapy to eventual and early hysterectomy. 

Being that I never had any signs or symptoms I was quite shocked at the age of 25 after months of having bladder sensitivity issues, which I initially thought were contributed by my PGADS Disorder, a common sexual disorder that comes along with an extremely early age  (Age 3) diagnosis for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. That no in fact those urges to urinate weren't stemming from hyper-arousal a common side effect of Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder/Syndrome, but instead it was due to spider web like scar tissue caused from Endometriosis. To also add to my statistics of already being as close to naturally sterile as possible, I started asking doctors what my ultimate solution was to this long list of women's health issues as being on regimented hormone therapy just wasn't my desire for my lifestyle. Every doctor response to my question was the same,  Tubal Ligation.  

With grueling monthly cycles of cyst explosions combined now with the intense fatigue and incredibly painful nerve knots that are associated in the lymphatic system with Endometriosis, my quality of life had sorely declined, up to two solid weeks a month were riddled with mind, body and physiological health concerns, as many of you know at twenty one I was diagnosed with Cushing's Syndrome, and between the life saving medication they had me on to regulate my endocrine system to the endless psychiatric medications given with them as I ballooned and constantly gained weight no matter how healthy my lifestyle was to a planning my own funeral at 23 weight of 415lbs, I wasn't focused on children, fertility and even the future, I just wanted to live another day. I just wanted to survive and find the same quality of living that every other friend, family member and stranger seemed to fortunately have without a hitch, hang-up or even a hiccup of a problem. For more information about my life saving lifestyle change Click Here. 

What I never expected nor did any of my team of women's health doctors over the years would've ever expected was that changing my lifestyle, getting healthy and correcting all my disorders with good food, natural medicine and holistic living, would've ever caused a naturally sterile woman to, get pregnant. 

The Early Diagnosis Years
Ages: 14-18
During these years from Planned Parenthood Clinics to Women's Health Specialists and a team of ER Specialists that were used to seeing me quarterly when PCOS was trying to kill me from the inside with multiple firework shows, I was always told that pregnancy was never a future for me, not even a possibility especially with my PCOS showing more aggressive progress in my body along with psychiatric medication and Cushings Disorder, it was safe to say until I was able to get my Tubal Ligation Surgery, that I was sterile for all purposes intended. So birth control, low-hormone therapy pills were the key, the cyst bursts began to subside and those emergency room visits were less and less as I got older and headed towards young adult hood and being liberated as an Adult in our society, and still my ideals for travel, absorption for travel and passion with both beautiful genders on this planet in the spirit of a true Bohemian were on the horizon as I graduated early with high marks, sadly didn't have the money for tuition to any of the places I could've gone too, Juilliard for Violin and Painting, This incredible college for set-designers in Hollywood that would've warranted many endless career opputunities and life changing travel opportunities to design sets for the film industry. 

Instead I was stuck at home with a mother that refused to keep a job, that decided stealing my identity and disability funds was better than helping me see the world and have a true chance at life, it was in that moment that I met my former fiance and the only man at that time that I  have ever had a romantic relationship with, before that I was quite high in expectations and preferred the company of women, at 20 years my senior and having been told numerous times by multiple doctors even when I asked obsessively as if it was some incorrect information that only I could be so lucky to receive. I stopped worrying about condoms and birth control temporarily as the hormones weren't helping me anymore. For months sex wasn't fun it was frightening, even losing my virginity to this man that I 'd eventually be engaged too and live with for over seven years who was nineteen years my senior, it still scared me to death to have unprotected sex, even with my doctor's permission.  As the years went by and not once did I experience a pregnancy scare it was obvious to me that I truly was sterile, and my doctor's agreed. 

Tubal Ligation at 27? Why Wait?
As soon as I turned 18 I was elated to finally pursue the ultimate solution to my women's health problems, I made an appointment with my OBGYN and was shocked to receive his response. Tying your tubes is female castration. As a man from Africa whose personal religious beliefs were to birth and help women procreate as much as possible, it was obvious why this was his mentality, in Madera California where I was located at the time, Teen Pregnancy was and still is the highest, IN THE NATION. Surrounded by pregnant women with multiple children at 16 was dumbfounding, and to hear this man tell a woman that not only wanted and consented but needed this life saving surgery, I was beyond infuriated and changed my doctor that very day. 

Sadly the next few years continued in this fashion of people denying my request for one bullshit medical reason or another, Your not old enough, you need to wait and see if you want children, I refuse to perform that on any woman under the age of 35. Endless excuses, endless bullshit and changing doctors regularly and still absolutely no help, no compassion or care as to what hell my body endured each and every month like clockwork, no care about my endless ER visits that were not only embarrassing but difficult to do after the first few dozen times just to get more pain medicine, anti-inflammation and more temporary sympathy, the endless check-ups via ultrasound to ensure my body wasn't trying to kill me each month, it was all just too much. 

At 25 I finally got a real, no bullshit answer from a nurse practitioner at Planned Parenthood: "No Doctor will tie your tubes under the age of 30, without serious repercussion from the medical community" Just like with Natural Medicine Cancer Doctors or Dentists that want to remove mercury fillings, once again I had to learn the hard way that corporations and the medical industry didn't give two fucks about my health, they just wanted to get paid. The doctors wanted to get paid hundreds of thousands of dollars for each baby born, they could care less to tie my tubes for a measly $6,000, that's chump change when you just delivered twins this morning. So for the next decade of my life while struggling to stay alive during my terminal diagnosis of Cushings Syndrome, and overcoming that disorder to finally finding time, health and space to search more about this life changing and life saving surgery, with the help of a beautiful pregnant gynecologist who was also vegan when she's not pregnant, I was given a list at the tender age of 25 of all the doctors that were covered under my insurance that would tie my tubes for medical health reasons regardless of having kids now, as most required that before tying my tubes. 

Sorry I don't tie tubes until you've already had children. 

Who the fuck gave you the power, authority and right to choose what's good for me, my body and my life?! The separation of church and state still doesn't exist in the medical industry and if it wasn't for that doctor who also ensured me I was safe to have unprotected sex, without birth control or condoms, for up to 4 months before my surgery as it was required for me to be completely taken off of them for the procedure, I continued my life as I normally did even with my new health and new lifestyle, I thought and was reassured for the past decade that I was naturally sterile. So as I enjoyed my passionate life with my new love and Twin Flame, I never gave it a second thought, in fact I just rejoiced that finally at long last after so many years of searching and being shown the door like I was some preposterous creature tricking them into losing their licenses, finally it was going to happen! I was on my way to Tubal Ligation Surgery. 

The Worldwide Search for a Doctor Continues...
During those two months, not four, for those of you freaking the fuck out as much as I did when I heard the news about safe-unprotected sex, I proceeded to call each and every doctor on that list, I wanted this solution pronto, unprotected sex even with doctor's approval has a way of really killing the bedroom mood for two people who definitely don't want children. Most doctor's couldn't see new patients, some required a special type of insurance in combined with what I already have on disability, which wasn't available in my area or worse, was out of pocket, something that just wasn't an option for somebody on disability, who makes less than $1,000 a month. 

I hit my first brick wall, I was in tears, I finally had a list to actual doctors in my city who were even more than willing to ensure I received tubal ligation with or without religious complications, with or without their lifestyle's and life choices being respected and none of them could see me. After asking dear friends and finally posting about my ordeal on facebook I was relieved to finally get a solid lead, my dear friend who had her tubes tied after having her son as she too has way too many health problems to have children referred me to my doctor, after being warned that The Doctor is a Goddess but her Staff.....Fucking Animals. It wasn't the best offer but at this point I was ready to tie my own tubes in a at-home medical clinic, of course this wasn't an option in theory or practice, but it was truly a fantasy each month as my next brutal and life draining, gotta pee every 10 minutes, cycle visited. 

I called her office, hounded them in fact, every morning abruptly at 9am I called to receive either a voice mail with no answering machine or worse, their after hours hotline even if it was during work hours. I was mortified at the lack of care at this office and after weeks, yes weeks, or harassment I finally received my first appointment date, January of 2014, exactly two and a half months after I started calling, and this was considered priority service, in this city for women's healthcare. 

PCOS Took a Turn for The Worst
It was December 21st, a week after I shot the infamous Madame De Pompadour Series, I was already one week late and even worse I knew it was entirely PCOS related, there's only been two recollections of nearly fifty emergency room visits over the years that I clearly recall, they were visits that nearly cost me, my life. You see when cysts burst and rupture they can even tear open the actual ovary, this induces fever induced pain, that then leads to extreme swelling and intense vomiting because your body goes into shock, I've only ever been that close to death a few times in life in regards to pain but this was a night that was much to reminiscent of those awful early diagnosis first ER visits and left myself, my love and my family awake for the entire week as we all braced ourselves to see what would happen next. Would I need life saving surgery a very possibility for people with PCOS that is in the most severe section of the disorder. Or would I be able to bounce back and endure once more until my first appointment with my new Doctor and Tubal Ligation Surgery that was originally scheduled for February, the perfect Valentine's Day present for myself, a true gift of self-love, a  fully functioning, working, healthy body. 

After an entire week in the ER, endless pain pills, which weren't needed due to the power of good natural medicine, Cannabis, and antibiotics to ward off the infections my body. The amount of cyst bursts were at an all time high with an estimated 7-9 cysts not only bursting but rupturing so hard that even my doctor's realized that the disease was in it's latest stage, where it caused my ovaries to mutate and shrink in abnormal proportions due to the chaos and scar tissue that these disorders provided over the years, it was more than time to pursue this surgery, in fact it was imperative, for my health, safety and quality of life to never experience this again. This was the hardest one yet, it took me an entire week to recover, recuperate and feel my energy return to normal, even with a Vegan diet, with the help of my ER doctors they further facilitated my priority registration with my new doctor and shortly after I had my period, two weeks late but normal none-the-less. 

I saw my new doctor right before New Years and we both agreed that it imperative for my health to get this surgery going, that somebody with my conditions would only endure more pain, less quality of living in life and even worse the possibilities for early in life hysterectomy, and having to worry about hormone therapy, early menopause and organ prolapsing.... Sorry I was going to finish this sentence but.....Seriously! Damn Nature YOU SCARY! This bit of knowledge along with perineal tears was one of many reasons why I never wanted to have a child in the first place, or deal with the physical consequences that were left afterwards in the first place. 

Now then where were we? Ah Yes, Planning for Surgery, After we both agreed with no complications of religion or views of lifestyle or life choices were even an issue, we scheduled my surgery for February 25th or 2014, and I left most excited as all signs were a Go! from health, physical check-up, pregnancy test, which of course came back negative, we were cleared, the forms were signed and now all I had to to was call back in three weeks to see if my insurance approval was validated, of course it was and I was elated and had the most freeing, calming, zen few weeks of my life knowing that the next chapter, make that the first real chapter of my life was about to begin. Cheers to good health and the doctors that provide true health care in these hard times in the evolution of humanity. 

Surgery Rescheduled, I'm...... Pregnant?! 
"No, it's impossible, this isn't happening, this has to be the dreamworld, or even worse that bizarre planet of nightmares, I got pulled onto in my early years of psychic exploration, this just can't be real."  

The moment I heard my doctor tell me that as I was half way through signing my approved surgery forms five days before my scheduled surgery I dissociated hard, harder than I ever had previously before with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and the next few weeks felt like a dream, a terrible, awful, horrifying, impossible dream.

In my darkest hours that impossible moment, that proclaimed by my Catholic Doctor as a miracle, it still finds time to haunt me and remind me of the entire experience that should never have happened in the first place. 

I followed every doctor's order, I did everything I was supposed too have done, after the most intense cyst burst experience of my life just two months ago, how is it possible I just had my period last month this doesn't make any sense, I'm Pregnant? 

After asking serious questions that were met with laughs, after inquiring about abortion as my options now because this miracle, wouldn't and couldn't be born, I was losing weight, enduring heart palpitations daily, throwing up so violently that I thought I was dying from food poisoning, she honestly didn't realize what hell my body had endured over the past few weeks as I counted the days, marked them off of my calendar like they were days to mark my freedom like a prisoner from the physical hell of these awful life long disorders. Instead when I requested a blood test to make sure I was actually pregnant and this wasn't just a cruel joke from an office staff that never actually do their work, but get furious when you request that they do so for the sake of your health, the eyes of shock and tight lips of silence were enough to make me realize that this doctor wasn't as progressive as this list said she was, I never thought I'd ever feel guilty for taking care of my health when I knew with absolute certainty that I was dying. 

The blood test came pack positive, I was in fact pregnant, and after being told that my surgery was now postponed until this issue was taken care of, well I was devastated, I cried, wretched in pain and agony, felt my entire soul sink into the dark abyss, I felt so alone and betrayed by this industry of healthcare, what healthcare? I was treated like a monster by women of religious devotion because I didn't see the past few near death, toxic sickness filled weeks as a miracle? After explaining to her once again as I just did in the exam room, both agreeing that the intense swelling, extreme sickness and agonizing pain and fever for over three weeks was the ultimate signal that my body needed this surgery to save my life, Endometriosis isn't supposed to rapidly hit a body after such early detection and diagnosis but as most things go along with my body, the unpredictable is always the expected with somebody with so many recessive and rage genetic disorders. To have a woman tell me surgery was my only option to rejoicing that a miracle too place in her office in less than 5 minutes, was the exact moment when I checked out of reality, or being me, it was and still is too much to endure for the psyche and the next three weeks as I waited for my abortion from Planned Parenthood because this clinic and doctor wouldn't abort a child, I was devastated as the post apocalyptic wasteland that still is women's health. 

After begging for her help the next morning on the phone after I heard back from my blood test, she extended an offer for a D&C Surgery that would take place right before she tied my tubes. I was shocked and grateful she was willing to overcome her religious beliefs enough to actually offer me medical care and life saving help, however the insurance company wouldn't cover the amended surgery and so my three weeks of waiting for my appointment for my D&C Procedure at Planned Parenthood began. 

Three Weeks of True Insanity 
After months of prolonged sickness, wasting away without appetite and feeling my body try to miscarry something that felt like a true intruder to the health and safety of my body I was in mental, emotional and physical shambles. You see, having your body reject something for weeks on end because of poor reproductive health and function is the most agonizing experience I've ever endured in life. With Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ensuring I realized this was a life threatening parasite I found myself spending hours in baths hoping that the contractions would stop, hearing my ovaries grind, pop and explode violently while trying to ovulate and miscarry at the exact same time. I never knew just how far down the abyss of depression I could go until I thought that I wouldn't make it alive to my abortion. 

Psychic Premonitions, Turn to The Void, Pure Darkness 
Over the next few weeks my weight dropped significantly regardless of how much I ate it didn't stay with me long before violent spells of vomiting were induced, I was pale, sickly white and had a fever that wouldn't stop along with the endless contractions that wouldn't result in either a miscarriage or menstrual cycle. I've only experienced these scary moments a handful of times in my life and I knew and feared each and every day as my usually vivid dreamworld turned to an empty void of pure, empty darkness that if these heart palpitation's continued and this life saving appointment didn't arrive soon, I wouldn't be here anymore, as a Psychic I know all too well when I'm at death's door and never have I felt such a vivid realization of this horrifying ordeal. 

What if, I don't make it?
With every hour and every physical, mental and emotional fear that leapt into my mind I couldn't bear the thought of dying from something I never knew I could have and still never asked for or wanted in the first place. What was worse was even thinking for a single second that after so many years of trauma and torture from my past that I finally at long last found the love of my life, my Twin Flame, how could the universe be so cruel as to rip me away from him just as soon as we met and started our lives together as One?! I cried in his arms and so many days and nights he cried holding me, begging me to be strong that there's something better for us in this lifetime, our story wasn't over yet, it couldn't be, this was just an awful accident and impossible circumstance that developed because my body once so broken and sick was actually healthy enough to become fertile once more. This couldn't be the end for us, but as each day passed and my health declined to frightening levels I wasn't sure if I'd even make it to my abortion, or through the next day without being able to eat, while my body forced me to vomit and contracted long into the night trying to let go of something inside of me that just wouldn't leave. 

Invasion turns to Madness
  Each day I felt this violent movement in my womb, contracting and tearing at the insides of my body, the post traumatic stress disorder survival mode filter was at it's breaking point and I started to feel like Kane did on Alien in the classic chest burster scene. This wasn't a baby, this wasn't even human, this was a life threatening parasite prepared to kill me so long as it kept a nice warm place to grow until it wasn't able to grow anymore. What frightened me most of all was the physical need I had perpetuated by exhaustion and true psychotic madness from feeling my life force being drained from me every single day and night from what wanted to live but just couldn't. 
***
I have to get this out of me, waiting three weeks is too long, Oh Goddess what if I don't make it?

I can't leave him here, We just fell in love, this is just the start it can't end this way!

Why do I feel attached to this being inside me that's killing me? Is this what Rabies feels like? I can't drink water, I can't eat, Oh God I'd rather have Rabies than this!!

What if I'm killing a baby? What if I'm killing something that needs me as it's vessel to come into this world, it was apparently impossible, but He saved my life, He gave me this vessel that was always sooo close to death, true health and now because of that my body in all its hesitation to ever truly let go and be lovingly consumed by another being, managed to create life, in a womb of darkness and near death that was never supposed to be able to create this impossibility in the first place.

What if the world needs this being here, I'm a powerful psychic and He a true empathic and medical genius, what if this being is supposed to be here and I'm not giving it a chance? 
***
After long bouts of terrible madness and insanity, consuming me completely and leaving me without dreams anymore, in the void, feeling the life slipping away, even then I questioned if this was the right thing to do. What if we did have this baby and we just gave it up for adoption, my aunt did that with twins, reflecting back to her words:

 It was the hardest thing I ever did and I still can't bare the pain of giving away my babies to ensure they had a life I couldn't provide for them, I've had abortions, life saving ones due to our health issues, they were easy compared to that empty hole that's left inside your soul when you give away the ones you love but just can't have. 

Then the most beautiful gesture from a man that never desired children, He reached down as I cried in my chair that night wondering if I'd even make it until tomorrow to see the sunrise from the health deterioration that came along with this brutal process was beyond words, and still to this day feels like a horrible dream that couldn't have happened. He lovingly wrapped his arms around me, reaching down and embracing me, gently kissing and wiping away the tears from my face, he lovingly said 

"If you want to have this child, I will love the both of you until the end of my days" 

I cried hearing such unconditional, self-sacrificing love streaming forth from my love's lips, I couldn't stop crying and held him close, as he brushed my hair back and off my face he said

 "I love you so much, you are my everything, I never knew what life truly meant until I met you" 
and as his beautiful words turned to choked up trembles and instant tears he continued

"I'll support whatever decision you make, but I know I can't make it in this world without you, and losing you is the only thing in life I ever fear, I can't lose you I'm so scared of losing you" 

As he held me in his arms and we both sobbed into each other, tear streaming down my face and buried in his chest, I remembered how many women die during childbirth all around the world and even worse those women in my own close family that nearly died giving birth, that lived on borrowed time just because they didn't have the support or strength to ensure their health was priority, I spoke with my aunt who lived seventeen years longer than expected by doctor's, cosmos rest her soul she told me and my amazing cousin, "I'm so glad I had you, but if I didn't live in the time I did when I got pregnant with you and if the support would've been there, I would've chosen to extend my now shortened life and have adopted later in life when I was ready" to any outsider this seems cruel, atrocious, ad  nauseum, but as my cousin watched her mother each year grow a little closer to death and to finally lose her from the heart related problems that having a baby created for her, taking over seventy three pills a day, just to ensure her blood would pump properly I overwhelmingly felt her presence inside and from the otherside as I held my love, looked up at him with tear streaming down my face and said 

"We can adopt in the future, when and if we ever decide we're ready, I can't risk dying to have this, I can't risk losing you, YOU, the reason why I came back for this life in the first place, or even worse, what if I do have this child and it survives and I die in the process and leave you here with a haunting memory of what beauty our life could've been together if I just survived. You devastated, a single father and without me,"

 I can't and won't allow any primal coded urge, any social structure or stigma polluted society or any fear of religious persecution from those that couldn't possibly understand, or worse from those I know and love that just can't even in their best days of empathy truly understand to determine my future by having a child that was literally dying, and killing me in the process. I refuse to go out this way, after so much hell in life, so many true near death and horrifying experiences to leave this planet and the love of my life for anyone or anything. The next few days before my appointment was a health nightmare induced haze and as March 12th, 2013 approached I never felt more certain of my decision to take care and to love myself and to save my life that finally meant so much to those I loved and as I prepared for my D&C Procedure at Planned Parenthood, the word Abortion took an entirely different meaning than I ever expected. 

Let's go, it's finally time
It was the first day after so many weeks, scratch that, months that I felt calm, the anxiety didn't kick in until I started walking there, it was so early and in the middle of the week, such an odd schedule to do these sort of procedures, until I got to the clinic doors of Planned Parenthood I never realized just how cruel religion truly was. Living only a block away from my clinic I was quite used to having annual check-ups and receiving birth control and free condoms with each appointment, every time it was just instinct as a nomad of Tower District, to wander down the back alley where all the cool graffiti art and interesting, yet harmless homeless people that often meandered around or found shady places to nap in the middle of the day. It never once felt wrong, dirty and was never used as way to get there to avoid the religious fanatics, but for one day in my life it that back alley was used precisely for that reason. As both my love and I walked hand in hand, he constantly telling me how much he loves me and will be there every second of today no matter how hard it is on either of us, we're in it together. Hearing these words were my saving grace and emotional salvation, I never knew I'd ever face them, hearing them chant their gospel of hate, watching them scream, shout and shake their signs as if they were the staff of God himself. To see a barrier of human beings dressed in Planned Parenthood Vests ensuring we knew that they wouldn't allow anybody to assault us, or even come near us if we didn't want it, I took a moment to look around and smile at each and every one of them, before looking him in the eyes and shaking his hand "Thank you, no woman or girl should ever endure this form of persecution" As my love wrapped his arms around me and helped me inside to check-in I felt the overwhelming glimmers of past lives in Salem during The Witchtrials, I saw the endless frightened and guilt ridden faces of the women indoors and their partners doing their best just to hold it all together. I never knew how much I was truly invested in women's rights and social progression than when I heard those voices chanting Please God Save the Children, Abortion is Murder, Change their Minds Lord. 

Planned Parenthood Intake
After weeks of online research that mostly induced endless tears when I just wanted information about the medical procedure and instead was endlessly assaulted with mutilated, late term abortion images, endless religious sites telling me what level of hell I was going too, I was truly raw to the entire experience, fortunately the incredible nurses at planned parenthood managed to answer all of my questions and even explain to me verbatim: 

"Your fallopian tube is the size of a human hair, the size of the growth inside of your womb right now is smaller than my pinky digit, don't ever feel badly about taking care of your body because so many have portrayed a living breathing child at this extremely early stage. This is why we're here, to educate women and hopefully to someday eliminate the protesters outside because of education. According to your charts, you're lucky to have made it to this appointment without multiple emergency room visits and we're fortunate to live in a state that allows us to help you save your life. We've noted from your transfer to us from your doctor a 25lb weight loss in less than three weeks! This is considered top priority in our field, your body is obviously miscarrying and due to your disorders you just don't have the physical strength to do it."

Side Note: This is also how women died in labor, but that's for another article....

"We're here to ensure your safety and long lasting recovery and health from mental, spiritual, physical and emotional, do you have a good support team?" 

 I started to cry in happiness realizing how truly lucky I am, "Yes, not only do I have the most incredible boyfriend who respected my decision, his aunt also found out after we couldn't keep it secret anymore, and she's been incredibly supportive. I've also had multiple friends who experienced this sort of situation, choosing to live or have a baby and each and every one of them has been an endlessly supportive to me when I needed emotional support." 

"You're incredibly lucky, so many girls show up here alone and I never sleep easily at night not knowing how they healed from this, or if they healed. Your boyfriend is an incredibly amazing and true man." 

My Life Saving Abortion 
As I left the intake room and waiting in the lobby with my love, I held him close and for the first time I felt in months that I actually breathed, I rested my head on his shoulder and waited for them to take me back to a waiting room, where I was surrounded by girls, so young, trembling, in tears, utterly completely alone. I wanted to hug them all and tell them that they're not bad for being here, that they're taking care of themselves and this was the first generation that ever learned how to do so, we are women of the future. As each isolated in their corner, while soap operas played on a television nearby, I waited to be called back for my blood test, IV application for pain medicine as my ovaries were truly agonizing by the appointment date. I was given antibiotics to help the healing process and was escorted back out to the main waiting room, this was stage two, for what seemed like hours, the room filled with stressed out women waiting their turn to go back and have their abortion, I found out that I was just one week shy of being able to take the abortion pill, the easiest way to go through this procedure. I was saddened that I had to endure a D&C Procedure which basically consists of having a dilator inserted, your cervix numbed and then a vacuum is applied to suction out the embryo and amniotic sack. The entire process sounded absolutely horrifying to me when I researched it, and I do admit it wasn't comfortable even with the pain medicine, but not because it was an abortion, it took 10-20 seconds for it to be over and done with, what was excruciating was my ovaries, they were shot and PCOS had enough of all of the invasive aspects of this procedure, I wasn't scared, I didn't feel badly, the doctor and nurse were both so loving, supportive and ensuring of my comfort at all times. I never liked this one nurse that worked there, she always seemed so cut-off and emotionless, but that day when she held my hand along with my love as the doctor performed my life saving procedure I realized how fortunate I was to live in this day and time, without this medical support that is still illegal in most states in this country, I never would've made it through any of this. As my love rubbed my forehead and kept saying It's all over, I'm so proud of you, you're the strongest woman I've ever known, I love you baby, you're going to be okay. The doctor and nurse agreed and said You're in good hands my dear, now let's get you to the recovery room. 

Recovery Room
The recliners are padded, the curtains are private to allow you your own space to recuperate through such an ordeal, the glass is dark so nobody outside even knows you exist within these walls and your supplied with juice, pain medicine and crackers to bounce back from a required pre-procedure fasting. As the time went by more girls were ushered in private to their own curtained recliner, and a huge sense of overwhelming surviving a near death situation feeling came over me, my life was my life again, I knew I would be here, alive and safe once more, my Twin Flame love so in tune with my spirit stood directly on the other side of the darkened glass not knowing until later that I was there watching him as he paced, wondering if I was okay, I felt healthy, the cold breath of death was off of my neck and the fever from hell finally broke, my body was going to be okay. As I relaxed and finally felt that something was positive and good about this entire experience it was almost time to leave and recuperate for the next week at home. 

Welcome Home, We Made It
The taxi arrived and I was taken home, shortly after I went to sleep and slept like I haven't slept in my entire life, fully, deeply and completely. Six straight hours before I awoke starving, and it was the first time in months that I wasn't scared to eat, wasn't disgusted by taste, smells or other bizarre cravings vegans can't enjoy, instead I ate a meal, enjoyed it, took my medicine for pain and antibiotics for healing and slept in his arms, his unconditionally loving arms long and late into the next day, we'd both been exhausted in all aspects and definition of the word. After a couple of weeks I felt a normalcy return to my life, a sense of peace as I survived this ordeal and was able to now focus again on the life I didn't think I could have just weeks before in the midst of this ordeal.  From using Kotex pads for the next week as bleeding was common with this procedure, as well as surprise menstrual cycles, I took it easy, and as slow as possible, having no car during mid-terms at Fresno City College, an entirely different way of healing and coping, to say the least. 

To the Hate Consumed Religious Fanatics 
It's 2014 we've surpassed the supposed apocalypse of Y2k, endless war, not wars as that would allude to there being an actual break between each invasion, we have a man as President of African American descent and we even have an entire month that celebrates equality in June with Gay Pride Month and I still have to see your ignorant, hate filled moronic views about baby murder plastered on your fucking signs when I entered into a clinic that was there to save my life?! 
What the hell is wrong with you?! No religion, no prophet, no teacher or philosopher would ever approve of the perversion of faith, religion and community that you've done so extensively and still continue to do. 

When I walked into the clinic that day and was given a pamphlet from a woman holding a rosary that was the exact type of religious clinic that Mary from the film "Saved" received for teen crisis and un-wed pregnant mothers to find shelter at so that you could isolate, deliver and then give that child to somebody more deserving in your religious views, I'll tell each and every one of you the same exact thing I told her when I handed back her pamphlet in shock of it's very existence on this planet.

"There is No God, Because only The Devil Himself would allow you to give this to me Today. Take it back I don't want your hatred."

She shocked and speechless took back her pamphlet and with one response of You pissed off the wrong witch! She was gone and both the vested chauffeur from the clinic and my love while embracing me and escorting me safely inside both said in unison "I've never seen someone so scared in my life, good she needs to realize the damage she's doing here"  along with my love's comforting words "I'm so proud of you, you're such a strong woman" as we sat down in the waiting room preparing for intake I felt my first spiritual breath of validation, I know that that woman has to live with that every single day, just like ever single girl that walks through those doors with somebody they love, or worse completely utterly alone, I refused to allow that woman to ever engage another living being without having to realize what true evil she's behind and what cruelty she's truly inflicting on those that need somebody that cares and supports them during the most spiritually exhausting process of their entire lives. 

Women Are More Than Broodmares
Since the dawn of time from men thumping us over the head and claiming us as their woman, the historic business transaction that the institution of marriage that modern marriage originated from, we've been cattle, property, owned pieces of a household invested in solely for the sake of reproducing offspring for the sake of furthering bloodlines and joining households to ensure that wealthy families stayed wealthy. This is the true landscape and primordial ooze of which we clawed our way out of and still continue too for generations. From the original suffragists that just wanted to have the rights to vote, teach and practice medicine, to those revolutionary bra burners of the 1960's we've fought for so many years, over a century in modern times just to be treated equally. This also means having equal right not to participate in patriarchal world views, including but not limited too, settling down, getting married and having children. From the endless male republican politicians that blatantly put women's health and rights at risk to the very murky sludge permeating modern generational females with striving to stay in the box, when we already set it on fire, ignited and watched it explode open decades ago when we started this movement in the first place. Don't tell me I'm not a woman because this just isn't for me, to those of you out there with this on your tongue, suck it. I'm taking the time, I'm choosing to be responsible, to provide myself enough time in the harshest economy we've had since the Depression of the early 1920's to ensure that I have a career, good health and a loving partner who's prepared for life's journey together as One before ever even considering this path in the first place. Plus doesn't settling down, sound like a nice modern way of dying? I'll settle down when I'm dead, until then I have dreams to pursue. 

Landscape of 4th Wave Feminists & Modern Women
We don't have to fall in love and get married to the first guy we meet, or hell even to the guy that took our virginity, or girl, or transgendered partner for that matter. We're women of all colors, all gender identifications and sexual orientations  and to form a family and household takes time, effort, dedication and a lot of planning on both partners to not only create but sustain a happy, healthy, and functioning home. We're fine with in-vitro fertilisation and not rushing our goals, dreams or plans for the future because of a biological clock ticking, sorry nature, we have science now, and science says I can put these healthy eggs on ice and find a surrogate, who will probably end up being a close personal lifetime friend. If that's the route we decide is good for ourselves, our partners and our mutually shared future, that is what we will pursue. This is two thousand fourteen, we're not reliant on anybody unless we choose to be. For those of us specialty mother types we're fine enjoying time with age-players in the fetish community or adopting gay teens that were kicked out of their houses just for being gay! Or children that were born to families who use them as cattle, treat them as commodities and refuse to be conditionally loved anymore for not fitting in your excruciatingly small and outdated box. The world is our oyster and so much is changing that we need to have the strength and mental wits to survive and thrive beyond, until my life is ready for such a truly transformational change, I'm fine just as I am being the fun and crazy aunt of every beautiful and loving child that are the beautiful blessings of my dear friends, family and loved ones. It's okay not to be married, and have children by the age of 30, it's okay not to be married and have children by the age of 40! 

Say it with me now:
It's okay to focus on myself until I'm ready and willing to make this monumental and extraordinary change in my life. Until then I gladly pursue my dreams, and being Happy is one of my top priorities and if that means just living life as is, and embracing the wonderful people I already have around me, than I'm a lucky woman. If having children biologically myself in the near future is for me I'd love for it to happen in a natural alignment with all that I've created for my life, self sacrifice is not my goal, transcendental rebirth, always. If it's meant to happen it will accordingly and there's plenty of options that still allow me to nurture the soul of another and the world as a truly compassionate and unconditionally loving mother. 

The Libertine Spirit of Sensuality
I'm not saying mother's aren't sexy, in fact I find most women that have children to be absolutely sexy as hell, especially when they're pregnant. What can I say we all have our fetishes, and mine well, according to those that know me on that dark and sensual level, they're truly endless. I've never found this part of me to incorporate children and a traditional lifestyle as I am so far from both of those concepts. I'm not saying women can't be sexy, kinky and adventurous while also juggling children, and a family, but I do know from so many of my dear friends experiences that sacrifices are always being made. Canceling play dates to take the children everywhere for school projects, and family expectations during holidays. I've even known a few exotic dancers who have been profoundly involved in their children's lives and by having that high paying career as a sensually liberated female of the future, are more than happy just being a career focused woman and single mother. I salute you ladies you have a hardworking life with endless sacrifices that I never desire to have to choose. While you're worried about graduations I'm planning my next Read Naked Salon Party with the Ladies, and enjoying my Master/Slave dynamic with my incredible God, The Sun King. 

As a former Mistress I had my fun with mommying adult boys as Age Players, and well after that got old I realized that I never had the patience to mother children. Instead I enjoy writing erotica, visiting dungeons and creating a passionate, wild, adventurous life with my loving Twin Flame. One that is consumed each and every day by exactly what we desire for our lives, at the precise time that we desire it, not having to make special arrangements just to enjoy adult time together, when you're free to come and go as you please and enjoy your life in true libertine satiation, every single moment and time is yours. For my personal choice and fulfillment in life, as a woman with such complex ways of thinking and unorthodox practices, children just never made sense to this mind and probably never will in any traditional sense of the word. I'm the lineage and blood of Lord Byron, his illegitimate heir that was consummated with infamous literary heroine Mary Shelley, I've always been proud to be the blood line of a bisexual, orgy loving man that was cast out of his family onto a rich estate to throw endless soirees of decadence and perversion, this is who I am, and after so many years of genealogy research from a long line of royalty, bastards, horse thieves and ministers, it's my prerogative to celebrate my life as I see fit, in true libertine sensuality. 

I Will Always be a Proud Pervert
  From highly inappropriate views, lifestyles and gestures to endless shock comedy I relish and enjoy being obnoxious to traditional values. I'll never feel bored, or unfulfilled in life because I haven't time to pursue my personal goals and dreams because of living to societies standards and expectations, instead I embrace, love and relish in the depraved pervert that lives and radiates, scratch that oozes sexuality and sensuality through ever pore and orifice of my being. I refuse to feel like a whore, as so many people of both genders decide that I rightfully am when whispers behind porcelain backs ensue, it's always hilarious to me in a day and age of technology that people even think they can't be exposed for the hypocrites they truly are. As you continue to cheat on your husbands and wives, and talk shit about the self chosen, self liberated scarlet woman, I smile and find amusement in your need to save face and show to the world your perfect little home and family, while secretly messaging me for booty calls, or threesomes. I relish in knowing that every time I'm called or labeled a whore, that' it's always proclaimed by people way worse off than I am in any area of promiscuity and I know for a fact that they've never taken even 5 minutes to actually know me. 

Quite Honorable for A Debauchee 
I've had 5 sexual partners in my entire life, most of them female as I was a self-identified lesbian before I met my first bisexual partner at 18 and later fell head over heals for my Twin Flame, who I happily chose a life of monogamy for over a former polyamourous lifestyle. So keep talking your shit, keep flapping your mouth, you're just making a bigger fool of yourself than anybody, because the people that truly, legitimately know me, realize my honor, my forthright disposition, I've never helped a married woman or monogamous woman cheat on her husband, and when I was poly everybody knew, my secondary partners knew, my primary partner at the time knew, and nobody had the balls to call me whore. They just enjoyed inappropriately hitting on me when I was more than aware that they were in committed relationships, then after denying their advances multiple times they chose to put me and my open and honest lifestyle on blast on social networking, pity we can all easily use screen capture, it's pretty hard to deny those obvious lies. I know what you think of me, I know that deep down you're envious and I am the intimidation and fear of your worst nightmares, because I am a honest, truthful, loving and real woman and to anybody trying to fake a happy life for the masses, I am your Satan incarnate. Remember ladies and gent's Satan means Adversary, I am the severity to your mercy, the light t your darkness, and because of that false paradigm in your mind, I am your worst nightmare. Goddess forbid a woman use her labia and actually care for herself instead of settling for what society expects of her. 

What's worse is that I get the bullshit mentality from the same women that parade around as Feminists while tearing down everything this movement offers for us all in the present and future. 
***
Once you can embrace the life you chose happily and completely you'll find no need to tear others down that don't fit into your very small box. I was made for the entire universe, I'm everywhere and everything, I outgrew boxes ages ago...and so it's time for you to do the same. 

The Root of Female Destructive Personality
Being nice to people you hate in public and tearing them apart when they have no way to defend themselves is Not Feminism. Using your husband, wife or partner to defend your insecurity issues and need to hate others for being different than you, the very definition of xenophobia is Not Feminism. People of any gender that identifies as a Feminist doesn't play victim, doesn't tear others of any sex down because they were too busy having problems with people instead of realizing the problem comes from within. Only you as a human being have the power and ability to overcome mentalities, attitudes, beliefs past, present or programmed and to choose with free will to overcome the need to bring others down because you refuse to build yourself up. 

This mentality is not only tearing apart the very fabric and movement of feminism but it's now bleeding into hating those determined to bring world peace to this beautiful planet from equal right's advocates, LGBT Community Members and those that transcend labels and titles as humanists. This is Not Okay. Because you choose to sit idly by on the sidelines of humanity, spreading poison with your cruel and pointless words, the rest of us are doing our best to fight for those all over the world that still aren't allowed to teach, read books, partake in careers or ideas for living that are strictly allocated to the male patriarchal society and race. The more you sit down curbside and whisper in each other's ears that the Burlesque Dancer, Bellydancer, Pin-Up Model, Exotic Dancer and Topless Protester are Whores that are embarrassing ourselves, the more you refuse to participate and actually get involved and speak too and understand the individual choices in each modern woman's life in all parts of the world, you're just stuck in Ethnocentrism, and as an Anthropologist and Spiritualist this mentality has to go because it's the same programmed from the only culture I know, my own, mentality that caused Britain to Colonize India, the same Xenophobia that caused so many people of color, religious belief and gender or sexual orientation to be hunted down like animals and violently killed just for being who they are. This is still happening all over the world today, we don't have time for your slow pace, we have to keep going for the women that still can't experience the true liberation and freedom that we as western women and feminists experience every single day.

To resist your own darkness literally means you are controlled by it, mentally, physically, spiritually and with tongue of poison, which is where the idea off warding off the evil eye originally came from. Gossip and negative intent is what is the root cause of this destructive female personality, that leaves women alienated, feeling alone and even more lost when they try to join a movement that was and still is founded on equality. Which means tolerating views and lifestyles that harmonize or oppose your chosen way of living. 

Goddesses Unite as One
Besides my wonderfully body positive years spent in Oakland where size, shape and color of skin isn't what defines sexy and liberated, where attitude, mentality and a desire to support those of your sisters surviving in a patriarchal world, I found my true liberation and goddess spirit in the modern pagan community. From speaking to fellow brothers and sisters of the craft about sky-clad rituals, something I still look forward to participating in with future goddess circles, to the very idea of each and every woman being a divine goddess in her own right. 

From the triple Goddess that represents The Maiden, The Mother, The Crone all aspects that are burdened too or despised by modern and westernized women who want eternal youth and never to relish in age or wrinkles, I found the most beautiful parts of female divinity in female vessels incarnate. From Goddess Gatherings that surround each woman with fellow females in the buff or clothed, to cleanse, purge and nourish the deprived soul of those of us that never get enough tribal interaction and true appreciation as our own individual beings until we're once again surrounded by these forward and progressive souls that all realize without our darkness we'd never be able to radiate light. You see paganism isn't all about feasts and adventures, drum circles and bon fires, yes those key ritual components add major pomp and circumstance to any ritual or celebration but to find the unique individual spirit that radiates within us and to appreciate that in every other living soul that we encounter is truly the heart of the pagan woman. 

We know we're flawed, plenty of us have our scars and many of us parade them more proudly than most traditional women. We realize through our darkness, our demons, our inflicted pain and suffering that our souls are more open, loving and understanding when we find flaws in others, because we have them too. We haven't the time for mind games, catty gossip, and tearing down beautiful people, we're much too busy healing ourselves and in turn healing the world, and we'd never have any understanding as to how to do that if we didn't already conquer and tame, discipline and balance the darkness and light that lives, breathes and animates our souls into our bodies and into our shared experience on this planet. The more women choose in free will to harm instead of help, to tear down instead of build, the more they play into the most atrocious belief that ever existed in Christianity and modern patriarchal societies and social circles. That women need to be guided, they can't guide themselves. 

So while women are being stoned to death for adultery in the middle east, and women are being forced to have their clitoris cut off in Africa, keep talking shit, and perpetuating the darkness that has caused our beautiful goddesses worldwide to suffer, and continue to suffer because of your laziness and ignorance in helping them overcome the atrocities expected of women, for just being women.  

While you're busy having a negative opinion about other's lives whom you have no true understanding about, women worldwide are dying, being turned away or worse tortured by the medical industry that's supposed to have their best interest at heart, all thanks to the endless social stigma. 

This shouldn't be allowed in this day and age, worldwide we're all more than ready, we're determined to find good medical care for women world-wide, so get your ass off the curb and grab a sign, start doing something positive for these women, you have no idea what they've suffered, I suffered immensely on all levels while waiting for my life saving abortion, and I was one of the lucky ones, that received support from friends, family and loved ones including my Twin Flame and Partner, these women were not and most still are not receiving the life saving medical care and unconditionally loving support that I received, and without both of those crucial components I truly don't know how I would've been able to endure what these women went through. 

26 Women Share Their Abortions

The Only Constant is Change
This first image quote completely conveys the sentiment of how I feel now post-abortion. In reality I will grieve forever, for the innocence that was stolen from my soul by enduring countless doctor's that never wanted to help me in the first place, to doing everything imaginable in my power to ensure pregnancy would never happen, because I never wanted to endure going through this traumatic and exhausting experience in the first place. I try every day to get over, and truly heal from the experience, and with unconditional support from friends, family and the man I love this has been a much easier journey than I ever imagined, but still there is a part of me that has changed, will always be different, you just can't get over having an abortion. The suffering from social stigma, fear of persecution, and having spiritually been possessed by the concept of right and wrong, to risk my own life for the sake of a possible child, nobody can explain to you for you to fully conceptualize the state of madness that comes along with the process of abortion, if it wasn't for these reinforced paradigms, no woman would ever suffer nearly as much during this trying time as they presently do. We should treat women who have had abortions with the same compassion a woman that's endured a stillbirth has gone through. It's truly that hard, on the heart, mind, body and soul. I have rebuilt and am always focused on that spiritually, it's a life long process, The Great Work, as the Occultists elaborate, I wasn't whole during those weeks, I felt empty, gone and dissociative, that endless out of body experience was hard to endure, I literally checked out, I feel more whole now than I ever have before or I wouldn't have written this article in the first place, and as I know I'll never be the same again, I don't want to be, I realize that this lesson has provided me profound insight and true first hand experience at the atrocities of modern women's health care and world wide women's rights movements. Without this profound experience I truly wouldn't have the profound determination needed in true understanding to continue to move forward as a whole, as One, for myself and for womankind. 

Take Me As I Am, Or Watch Me As I Go
Those are the options, I don't need your toxic words or validation, this is my life, my journey and my experiences, if it helps you I'm so profoundly grateful and humbled by the experience of sharing this with you and hope that it heals you on your personal journey whatever it may be. For those of you that just can't get it, refuse to get it, don't want a single part of it, You're free to go! The Universe gave you free will so kindly use your ability to get the fuck as far away as you possibly can away from me. Pull up a chair, buy a ticket, take the ride, that's all we have in life, that all I have to offer, eons of the hardest years of evolution, compressed and neatly organized in this twenty seven year old vessel. It took me this long to completely embrace, love and heal myself from the harshness of humanities judgement and persecution and today, tomorrow and for the rest of my life, just as I've lead it for the first twenty seven years, expect plenty more of this to come until the spark of life leaves my body for good. You're not forced to watch, participate or even care, you choose too, plain and simple, so you can choose to wake up to your true potential, to love, embrace and support different people than yourself, or you can live in suburbia, drinking alcohol at your kids play dates while popping Xanax just to ensure you don't kill yourself for another miserable day. I could honestly give two fucks less. Just live your life and allow me to live mine. 

The Truth Is
Life isn't always pretty, we're born in the midst of a bloodbath and some of us never arrive here at all, some of us have the rare and decent exit in life such as falling peacefully asleep, and so many more of us will die, sad, alone, sick or brutally, but what truly matters most though, through all of this is how you choose to live your life. It doesn't matter if my lifestyle is for you, your lifestyle isn't for me either, but my refusal to accept your doesn't end with thousands of women each year having to experience traumatic, life saving procedures just to continue on in life, if they're even lucky to make it through the procedure in the first place. Life is a journey, a truly raw, beautiful, horrifying and invaluable spiritual journey and for those of us with the strength and courage to never stop, we find the light after emerging from darkness. As long as you follow your own path, listen to your heart and try not to step on anything in the process as I truly try my best to do, we realize that with love, support, friends, family and even those in opposition have their place, in helping us grow, to determine how we choose to view the world stage and all it's players, and I do hope in a future not too far away, that women will receive the medicine and healthcare that they desperately need, regardless of your views, regardless of your opposition, each and every woman worldwide deserves a right to choose to save her life, and to also prevent yet another child from coming into the world, that suffers from neglect, resentment, abandonment and so many other mentalities that no child should ever endure on this planet in the first place. It doesn't matter if you're pro-choice or pro-life, what matters is that until women are not allowed to die all over the world from something that can easily be preventable by modern medicine, is the battle cry for our era, epoch and generation, and I hope that whatever side of this awfully controversial fence you've found yourself on, that at the end of the day, you can let go of everything and just let us heal from the already traumatic experience we've endured that will truly never be forgotten. We need to support and love one another now more than ever, and if your on the side that ensures women die, you have a long way to go. Please, we need you to understand, we don't need your support but your compassion we'll take every single day until the end of time. 

All I've Ever Wanted
Was a place to call my very own, a place to feel at Home, to be loved, accepted and embraced as a crucial piece to the puzzle and member to the greater society. I never looked for inspiration in books, films, or from talking heads with nothing to say, I silenced my voice, silenced the world and let me soul and heart do the talking. The enlightening whispers from the other side, the endless encouraging moments in life that were endlessly paranormal in explanation all signs and directions to keep going, to follow my heart. I never let the words of the world sway me from my soul's truest purpose, to find my Twin Flame, and to never rest or stop until my dreams and goals for life came true. So many of those beautiful dreams have manifested and so many more are seeds just waiting to be planted, to grow and blossom into the future of humanity for all. As I realize so many have a problem with my ideals, perspective and cosmic understanding, I find it to be just another reinforcement that I'm on the right path, every time the world and it's people have challenged me, I don't sit idly by, give up and agree for the sake of propriety, I'm not to meant to be in a box, I'm not meant to fit in, I'm here to be the entire ocean, I will never thin myself out,  my time, my energy, myself, I refuse to sacrifice what the world desperately needs to ensure we continue on just to be apart of the herd that desires to continue reinforcing a dream that is long gone. I'll always pour myself  out into the world but have learned that reserving my deepest love for those that have returned, reciprocated and appreciate it unconditionally is truly my hearts desire, and as I wander the abyss and the earth simultaneously, I know that finally at long last I have a place to stretch my bones, to lengthen my smiles and to spread my hair, a place where legs can walk without cutting or bruising, a truly free place unchained from societies outdated standards. I've found my home, in my loving Twin Flames arms I finally found one place to call my very own. You deserve this more than you'll ever know but only those that tread where angels fear to tread will every truly realize the power, strength and divinity of Woman, Goddess Incarnate. 

4th Wave Feminism
Glimmers of The Golden Age
In hopeful conclusion I leave you with the two most profoundly progressive image quotes that truly embody the newest generation of feminists. The Fourth Wave Feminist, men, women, transgendered all focused on being One. Focused on accepting that marriage and it's institution doesn't represent the modern worlds views of women and the ideals are opposing to feminism, we accept that this hypocrisy is being used against us the more we hear gender based hate slurs, the more we hear women blaming men for something we're all involved in, the latest layer of sludge that's happened in this movement. We're aware of the misogynists. they've always existed, but to rise up in resistance and opposition, to blame every being with a cock between his legs that he is why we're so angry, just doesn't cut it for us, we can do better. Not focused on biological urges to procreate, we choose when if ever we decide to have children, because as the foster care systems rise, and more immigrants children find their way here with no place to call home, we hear the cries of humanity and we are ever so eager to embrace those cries with unconditional love and support by being a mother for us all, not just for our own. We realize that we have forever to have children biologically, with the advances in science and with the loving support of surrogates everywhere we don't have to be pregnant by the age of 25, we don't have to walk down the aisle, we can choose to be in love forever without ever having to do so. We embrace our sisters and brothers in the transgendered community, we embrace those women and men of color that support the movement and perpetuate us into a positive transcending future as One. We realize that societies are built on the structure of black and white, yes and no, right or wrong, and we know too that every civilization before that continued to use these cro-magnum mentalities of solving problems have all disappeared off the face of the earth, to be replaced by a more dominating, society. We realize that the future is for us all, not women, not men, not you or me,  but for everybody, whether you like it or not. I know these beautiful women that dance nude and protest topless for the sake of all truly understand that if we're ever to eliminate rape culture in America, we must first eliminate the taboo of a naked female body. Tribes world-wide nude and without rape statistics are already the proof we need and as more Goddess Gatherings and Sky Clad Circles of Love, Trust and Oneness arrive, I finally at long last realize where I fit in, not here, or there. We belong Everywhere. 

To those of you brave, beautiful, Goddesses Incarnate from the Near Future, I Welcome, Love, Embrace and Celebrate Your Individual Power and Our Collective Power Together We Can Change The World. Namaste. Love & Light.